Psychological Disaster

I have a very large artery....

2008-07-15T16:58:00.000-05:00

In my nose.

I was having a lot of trouble with nosebleeds (I've broken my nose 3 times, so I was kinda worried), so I went to the doctor today to have it checked out. First thing he did after shoving his stethoscope up the back of my shirt was stick a black tube up my right nostril so he could observe it, and I'm just praying to God that there wasn't a big old boogie in his way. I'm like, should I have blown first?

And Dr. Michael just says "Hmmmmm.... Hmmmm... Very interesting..."
And I'm thinking that he's probably found the new world up in there, but he just pulls out his black tube and announces that I have a very large artery in my nose. O.o He said the nosebleeds had nothing to do with breaking my nose, but this giant artery was a bit distressed, so we should just burn it shut. O_O I'm just thinking "You come near my nose with a match and I'm going to burn something of yours shut!"
He saw my hostile look an said reassuringly that it was a chemical and that it would just sting for a minute. Your eyes may water, he said, and shoved a stick covered with this chemical up my nose.

Oh. My. Lord. It did not sting. It didn't even BURN. It felt like my nose was going to EXPLODE. I'm trying my hardest not to hit this poor guy, and he's apologizing all over the place, and I've got my eyes squeezed shut so the tears wouldn't cascade down and ruin my makeup. He FINALLY removes the Stick Of Death and I thought I was going to fall over, cause it hurt so bad.

"Now, if that doesn't work, just come back and we'll consider a surgical option."
Yeah right, buddy. You'd better hope this works, cause if it doesn't, I swear...

I then had a nice interlude with the Lab needles. I'd rather have a needle suck away my blood any day, rather than face that Death Stick again.

My poor nose... after all we've been through... I hope it's gonna be okay now. Cause I can't take too much more damage to it, or else I'll end up looking like Michael Jackson.

Only in Texas

2008-07-08T21:43:00.002-05:00

Only in Texas can you...

1. Dress up to go to Wal Mart
2. Eat roadkill for dinner
3. See a dead hog on the road and have to tell the whole neighborhood
4. Shoot guns in your backyard
5. Get chased by turkeys and live to tell the tale
6. Tell blonde jokes and have nobody get offended
7. Give the directions to your house: "Just turn by the GIANT WATERMELON. Yeh can't miss it!"
8. Know both the richest and poorest people in town
9. Travel 1 hour in any direction just to get to decent civilization
10. Insult and demonstrate a rude gesture to a Democrat and not get in trouble.

Odds and ends.

2008-06-26T17:36:00.002-05:00

I'm listening to Breaking Benjamin right now, waiting for 6 pm to roll around so I can go home. Evil Angel is my favorite song... Oops, phone is ringing. Brb. Oh, never mind, Peter got it. Anyways. I had nothing going on so I jumped on the comp. I love how Breaking Benjamin has all these hardcore, yet sensitive songs. I loves it.

Since my mom and sister are gone, guess who all the housecleaning chores fall upon? You guessed it; yours truely. Needless to say, there's a fur coat on the floor, dishes piled in sink and on counter, and my shoes everywhere. I guess that's what's going to be my big project this weekend. My bedroom could do with a good shoveling out too... The dogs are no help. Any time the black lab (we call her "Horsey") walks through the house, there's a trail of hair behind her, not to mention the dandruff the pug leaves behind. Not cool. >.<

I miss my mommy... I hope she comes home soon... cause my dinners really don't taste good. And my dad agrees with me, I'm sure. =P Maybe tonight I'll just tell them to order takeout. I don't wanna cook and put more dishes in the sink... I think that's what I'll do tonight. Kitchen duty. Yay me.

Highlight of this month: I got a raise. *w00ts around room*
Lowlight of this month: I got a promotion. *un-w00ts around room*

50th Post

2008-06-25T19:07:00.003-05:00

.... and I have NOTHING new to talk about since last month. Nothing's really happened...

My mom and two youngest sibs are in PA for two weeks. Which is cool. I have my bedroom to myself. Which is also cool. There's a new guy at work. Not so cool. haha jk.

I still like my short haircut. Nobody recognizes me though... it's almost sad. But I'll get over it, I'm sure.

Huh... I'm struggling for SOMETHING to speak about... I was a techie at the local ballet performance for a whole week. That was fun, but mostly because I got to hang out with the musicians the whole time. Just two guys and me in the pit for hours on end, sleeping, laughing, getting yelled at... Bliss, I tell you.

Yes... I live under a rock and I don't get out much...

My house (the destroyed one I spoke about a while back) is STILL not fixed. Nothing has been done besides measuring the windows for new ones. And, on top of that, my dad decides to throw us 4 kids out of the big, spacious bathroom (second nicest out of our three bathrooms) so he can rip it apart. In the third bathroom, where all of our stuff is now crammed into, the shower works on it's own, the toilet takes vacations, and the sink clogs (not to mention you can't hardly turn around in it without falling onto the toilet or into the shower). Shouldn't this be the bathroom to remodel? Of course not. We're going to pick the bathroom that works JUST FINE and redo that one first. *shakes head*

My dog is still lost, and I am ready to take all my posters down. He's not coming back... oh well. I hope he's comfy, wherever he is. Comfort was his favorite thing in the world, besides food. I hope he's got both.

Time to go to work. Again. Anyways, thanks for reading this, even if it did bore you to death. Go read TC's blog for more enjoyment.

I can't talk over this lip ring...

2008-05-22T07:57:00.003-05:00

*gets smacked by Jess*

Ok, ok, I lied. There is no lip ring. Just a major hair cut...
I was bored, so I decided to get something new and fun. I really like it! I also got some highlights and all. Here is a sideish view.
I like the way it frames my face and stuff. I can flip it out, curl it in, curl it all around, scrunch it, etc. The only thing I can't do is put it in a pony tail. Yay!!!
Just a back view. The underside is darker than the top, which is cool. I was so nervous, cause my parents didn't know I was getting it cut. My dad had to sit down when I showed him. xD I think my mom likes it, though. My sister about had a heart attack. ha!

Anyways, I just thought it was time for a change; an outward appearance of the new me. Oh yeah.

I guess the lip ring will just have to wait another year or so before I move out of the house... *sighs wistfully*

"I told the Witch Doctor I was in love with you. I told the Witch Doctor you didn't love me too. And then the Witch Doctor he told me what to do."

2008-05-21T07:14:00.002-05:00

"He said now, Ooh to the ee to the ooh ah ah to the ting to the tang to the walla walla bing bang."

You can't beat Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Yes. On a recent whim and sudden reckless desire (I was under the influence of both no sleep and two bottles of chocolate milk) I bought the soundtrack to the Chipmunks movie.

And lemme tell ya... I'll never regret it. If you haven't seen the movie, you should. It's not just a kiddo's movie. The Chipmunks, aside from being brilliantly digitally created, are truly the life of the movie, especially in the songs. Forget the pathetic humans. For me, it worth it just to hear a squeaky voice and know that's Jessy McCartney. xD No, the Chipmunks really rock this one. (they beatbox and rap too!!!!! =D)

And uh, I guess it has a good story too... about family, and sticking together... all that junk.. *cough*

Yeah. So I thought I'd just tell you all about that.
------
So like... I'm doing something very dramatic to my appearance today... Like, never done before. This is probably a life changing decision I'm making. Yes. Serious moment.... (pictures soon)
------
The dress code I complained about... it's not that bad, when you really think about it. I bought three polo shirts, and I have two pairs of dressy pants. I'm just fine. *sigh* At least I can keep the black toenail polish on since I can't wear flipflops. Which is cool. I wonder what they'll think about my lip ring... I mean, oops!

hahahahahahahaha. Made ya look.

Dress codes, Blisters, Dying phones, oh my!

2008-05-15T08:11:00.002-05:00

My boss is really cracking down hard on the dress code at work. >.< I don't even own half the stuff I'm supposed to wear, and own everything I'm NOT supposed to wear.

Good stuff (what I have marked by an x):
Black pants (x)
Khaki pants (x)
Capri pants (half an x)
Polo shirts
Button up shirts (I own one that is too small)
Loose, comfortable dresses of suitable length (the one I bought just a short while doesn't fit this category anymore. It is a halter and exposes too much back. >.<)
Denim skirts(long, of course)
Long church skirts
Anything that is "casual business attire"

What Not To Wear:
T-shirts with basically anything on it,
Tank tops
Any top with thin straps
Halter tops
Anything with a low neckline
Shorts
Jeans (except on Fridays)
Flip-flops

I thought I was going to die. *sigh* I have never bought dressy clothes like, ever. Jeans and t-shirts, all day, every day. And wear an ancient skirt on Sundays. Oh well. I guess a shopping trip is in my very near future. Gah.

----

My dance recital is Saturday night, and I have two blisters that will not go away. Do you know how hard it is to find good blister products these days, and especially to find a box that hasn't been broken into already? *sighs again* I can hardly walk in the mornings. My feet feel like they're going to fall off. I've been wearing pointe shoes every day this week and all of last week too. I'm thinking about getting a foot massage after the show. I need like, my friend Randall down here, cause he's weird in the way that he doesn't mind gross ballerina feet. I'm going to con one out of him the next time I see him.

----

My phone's almost dead. Like, not the battery. The phone. I'm so happy!!! I can't wait to update my plan and get off my parent's plan. I want a red Shine. Oh yesss. It shall be heaven on earth. w00t.

Good gravy, it's time for work again. Today, I think I am going to wear... Khaki pants, and.... uh... some sort of top... idk... this is going to be interesting.

Nothing you can say, nothing you can do. There's no other way when it comes to the truth, so keep holding on.

2008-05-13T08:47:00.003-05:00

Oh yes. Avril Lavigne. I've bought like, 4 cds in the last two weeks. Lecrae, Taylor Swift, and two Avril albums. I'm pathetic.

Actually, I'm like, spending too much money. I just bought a huge boxload of makeup (good quality makeup too!) and got it yesterday.
However, I'm still spending less than I make, so it's all good.

Ever wonder what "silent as the grave" really means?

I am sad to announce... that my punk days seem to be fading away. And it makes me want to cry. I feel like a total girly girl and I haaaaaate it. It must be my job. Ever since my black slacks, I've been wasting away. I have a freaking dress.

And now it's time for work. cha.

More of the rest of the story...

2008-05-11T21:37:00.002-05:00

So yeah. Sea World + me = lots of fun. I was going to write a really long post about all the shows and cute guys and adorable penguins, but I'm just going to say that I had a blast. For the story about the busted kneecap, go here. Unfortunately, I forgot to put sunscreen on and couldn't raise my arms above my shoulders. But it's all good now.

The last couple days of my vacation were just spent with family. We had lots of fun just chillin' at the pool and stuff. We left early Monday morning, and got back Tuesday around noon with only a couple flat tires and a fuse issue. xD

Ever since I have been working my rear off at work and ballet. My friend Allye was this I I close to moving 3-4 hours away from me. She's like, one of my best friends, and is getting married in a month. But thank the Lord, her fiance got a different job and so she's staying. :D yayness.

Had professional ballet pictures yesterday. Despite the ugly rag costume, I think they are going to turn out well. Have my ballet recital next weekend, and I have a mini solo. I have never danced better than I have these last few months. I just wish some people were still around to see my improvement.

I only have a few more minutes on the comp, so I'm just rambling really quickly.

I got my Lecrae album. This is like, the best muzic ever. I am soooo in love with this CD, and I totally recommend it to like, anyone. I want to choreograph a dance to the song "Jump." yeah. More info later.

Got to run... time for bed and a full school day tomorrow. woot. not. haha.

Rudolph the Red Nose Blondie...

2008-04-26T15:14:00.004-05:00

Ahhh... I have been enjoying the last few days in sunny south Florida, where the water is warm, and handsome young men are plentiful. xD Of course, they show up with their size 2, bleached blonde girlfriends, so I end up by myself and making the most of it. I have never known the feeling of being so wonderfully alone - until 2008. It's remarkable.

But anyways. I stray from the actual point of this post. My vacation.

We left on Monday afternoon, or late Monday evening, after the shredded tire in Dallas, which chewed up 2.5 hours by itself. The rest of the 22 hour drive was uneventful - if you don't count screaming in the car while watching Jaws at 10 PM. Not a good flick to watch when you're going to the beach soon. xD We arrived at my grandparents house late on Tuesday. The rest of the afternoon was spent talking and eating. There was little of the latter cause we were all so busy flapping our gums.

Wednesday we went to the beach. It was the first day of La Sunburn. Over 6 hours in the sun, and I thought I couldn't soak enough into my skin, but evidently I did... I didn't want to leave, but my family practically dragged me out. Oh well. It was fun anyway. We went to a pizza joint afterwards. It was nice.

Thursday was our "girls day." Meaning that the boys went fishing and the girls went shopping. I got a good armload of stuff; upperbody garments that would better suit my aching sunburn, a couple of flicks, a necklace, and a wallet. I made off well. :)

Friday was SeaWorld, but that is an entire post in and of itself, so I'll save that for next time. :) But I'll give you a couple hints... imagine very cute guys, no water, more sunburning, with lots of pictures and you have the general idea. =P But I'll definitely expand on that later.

Until then, I'll be whistling Rudolph while rubbing in layers of Aloe Vera. xD

P.S. coming soon... a CD review on Lecrae's album "After the Music Stops". I have been waiting for this CD for forever, and purchased it via Amazon a couple days ago. I'll be able to listen to it when I get back to TX. It's a Christain rap album. I'm so excited!

Q: What do you get...

2008-04-15T08:14:00.002-05:00

... when you mix: A really hot guy + poetry + an old friend's death?
A: Lots of tears.

So a few weeks ago I showed you all my poem, The Revenge of Jane. I submitted it into the Cowboy Poetry contest held yearly at the library, and won first place for the fourth consecutive time. Being a winner, I was asked to read it aloud at the Western festival they always host. M'kay, whatever. I'll read then leave.

But of course, the sensitive, emotional, and totally embarrassing side of me just HAD to show that day.

You see... just a couple weekends ago, my old friend Jennifer died in a car wreck. She was 18, and I had danced with her for over 6 years. An 18 wheeler basically drove through one side of the car, and Jennifer, being the only one NOT wearing a seat belt, was thrown from the vehicle, and was the only one who died. Jennifer was... well, she was the definition for awesome. (She wore high-top converse shoes to the prom. She's like, my hero for that.) And now she's gone...

Just a few months before THAT, another person died in a car wreck. His name was Shane. I remember Shane. I only met him once, but once was enough. It was at a Cowboy Poetry contest where we both entered, and my poem won over his - and it shouldn't have. We talked for a long while after the contest about our poems. He was very kind, polite, and obviously a charming cowboy gentleman. I'll never forget him. And THIS particular contest that I entered with The Revenge was dedicated to Shane. And a bit of my poem was written for him.

So here I was, clutching my already depressing poem and thinking about the sad stories of my friends, and I get to the contest and realize that they've already read my poem out loud since I wasn't there in time.

I tried not to, but I cried.

And of course, the poor librarians felt bad, and just HAD to make me read my poem after the adult division was over.

And woe of woes... when I stood up in the front to read my poem, already red-eyed and shaking, THERE in the front was Chris, one of the hottest and most unavailable guys in Dirtville. All i can remember thinking at that point was "Oh shoot."

And from there, I sobbed. Each verse came out choked back with tears. Each word, each line and paragraph was a battle between myself and my voice to say it in English. When I paused, I realized that the entire room was dead silent. A pin could have dropped and deafened us all. How embarrassing. I did my best to cover up and finish my poem with what dignity I had left, and the room erupted with applause. I was humiliated and shuffled away as fast as I could without blindly running into the sound equipment.

And naturally, Chris came up and talked to me. Shoot. He was very nice, and sensitive to my tears. He said that I almost made him cry along with me. Great. And then he said it was a terrific poem and he thoroughly enjoyed it. Omgsh... Can I hug you?

I left as soon as I could - which was after I gave an autographed copy of my poem to a woman who said it was "the best poem she had heard in her life." O.O Yeahhhhh... I swear that was one of the most embarrassing days I have ever experienced.

R.I.P. Jennifer and Shane... You are dearly missed.

Forget this!

2008-04-10T08:23:00.004-05:00

Bah, I'm not going to let some retarde- I mean, sorry Mom... - uh, stupid teenagers get in my way of what I enjoy. If y'all don't like what I have to say, you don't have to read it. Go somewhere else and have a nice life.

ANYways.

I got my hair cut yesterday. w00t w00t. I know. So here are some Before and After pictures (As promised to lovely Jess. xD)

Here I was a couple days ago:

I know, "blah" right? Well, here's the NEW ME!

.... that one's kinda "blah" too, isn't it? Well, it's kinda cause I just woke up.

O.O

So yeah. Hope you like my 'do, cause I am certainly fond of it already. xD

And I'm back, full blast. So if you want to read my blog, and continue to leave me nasty comments, prepare to deal with The Beast.

But to all others, PEACE!!!

P.S. better pics in the future. lol! The Smileator was broken today... It'll be repaired, I promise. :)

PRAYER REQUEST

2008-04-04T09:18:00.003-05:00

Last night, around 1:05 am, all three skylights in my house were smashed, due to softball-sized hail. Three windows were broken through, and possessions and floors were ruined by the sudden flash of rain pouring into the house.

One of those skylights was directly above my bed.

At 1:00, I awakened to the pounding above me, and all I could think was "The skylight is going to break, and I am going to die." I got out of bed and woke my sister, and met our brothers in the hallway right outside our bedrooms. The boys had a skylight in their room too. Within seconds, the skylights gave way and glass and water went everywhere, leaving us shaken in the hallway.

Both parents were called back from work, and nobody went to bed before 4:30-5 am. I would have stayed up, cleaning my bedroom, but my dad forced me to get some sleep.

This morning, it is our job upstairs to clear everything we own out of our bedrooms. Our insurance will cover the damage, thank God. The dude is coming out to inspect everything this morning, and my dad said that they'd have to pull the carpet off my bedroom floor. (Good side: I hate that carpet with a passion. It is the color of mud. Bad Side: I have a lot of crapola in my room that has to be cleared out, and I am sooooo not looking forward to it.)

Everyone is OK, and no one has stepped on glass - yet. Some pieces of the skylight are still in place, and are very fragile-looking. There's still a lot of glass on floors, and lots of work to be done.

Please pray that everyone will remain safe as we try and fix the damage, and that everything will be returned to normal very shortly. And THANK GOD I wasn't in my bed when the skylight broke, cause I can't thank Him enough.

Quick note...

2008-04-01T08:59:00.001-05:00

My dog ran away last Friday night. I'm really worried about him. Please pray that he's ok, and will come home soon. I'm not doing so well at all... My poor baby. *sigh*

Getting Dizzy

2008-03-24T20:43:00.002-05:00

This is it. The End - for now.

I'm gonna take a break. It probably won't be long, but right now I feel a little vulnerable and a bit like a target. It has been revealed that some people read my blog that I don't really want here... So now we can all take a break, chill out, and maybe in a month or so I'll try again with a level head. I have very negative feelings right now, and when I express them, something always goes wrong. So I'm going to be quiet, and lurk in the shadows.

I'm not leaving the planet, no matter how much we all wish I did, so if you've got my cell number, feel free to call, or shoot me an email (Jess Roo, this means you. ;])

Anyways... Look for me at the end of April. Until then... Burn out bright.

Emma

P.S. pray for me...

Last Straw

2008-03-22T20:35:00.002-05:00

I've had it. This is ending RIGHT NOW.

Comment moderation has been turned on.
Anonymous commenting has been turned off.
I am this ] [ close to shutting down my blog.
And I am right ticked off.

So leave me the heck alone.

Mommy of Two - And Lessons Learned

2008-03-18T14:18:00.003-05:00

I am now the proud mommy of a baby bunny. Dewey doesn't like him, but they'll get along eventually. :) His name is Benny, and unfortunately, my black lab found him first. When we got Benny away, his wee nose was bleeding, and one eye looked injured and was swelling shut. He was in absolute shock. The poor baby clung to me, and scrambled up my tank top, wiggled onto my collarbone under my button-up blouse, and there he stayed. It was like his little nest on my shoulder. My dad din't think he'd make it through the night... But before I went to bed, I checked on him and asked a special prayer for God to keep this sweet animal alive, and He did. Benny was doing much better this morning. Both eyes were open wide, staring at me, and his nose was washed clean. He's adorable...

Unfortunately.... my dad is going to take him to a rabbit specialist friend of mine (who owns Roscoe) who will take Benny and his brother Spot, to care for them. I think that they will eventually go back in the wild when they're older, which makes me really sad, but I want Benny to have a good life.

-----
Over the last week, I've learned a few lessons I'd like to share with everyone very quickly.

1. Don't leave an unattended pot of spaghetti sauce on the hot stove.
2. Don't print 900 copies without checking one first.
3. Always shut up and listen.
4. Don't confront old friends - they'll just scowl at you.
5. Always smile back, even if you do confront them.
6. Smile at everyone you think are morons - they'll never know.

The Revenge of Jane

2008-03-13T19:23:00.004-05:00

Ok, this is the poem that I entered into the Western Poetry contest today. I realized that the deadline was tomorrow, so after I closed shop, I sat down and typed this up very rapidly and ran over to the library to enter it. I totally scrapped the other one...

So here's the new one. :) Enjoy! (Note: This is a 30 min flat poem, no editing included. Don't pick on me.... lol.)
_________

The Revenge of Jane

There was a young gal named Jane,
Who was never in her life called plain.
She wore ribbons in her hair
While she fed her chickens there
On her sweet little home on the range.

Every man and gent in the land
Had come and asked for her hand.
But she shook her head no,
One by one, let them go,
Said she’d wait for just the right man.

One day that man came up to her door,
Nate knocked once, then kneeled on the floor.
He took off his hat,
While he proposed, that was that.
Her heart wasn’t lonely anymore.

Nate owned a large oilfield;
While he worked, she made all of his meals.
Jane was happier than ever,
This man made everything better,
Those blue eyes sent her heart to reel.

But there were some in those western parts
Who didn’t have such joy in their hearts.
They hated that man,
Wanted him dead in the sand,
And would do anything to tear him apart.

One morning Nate turned to his wife,
And whispered “I will love you all of my life.”
Jane hugged him long,
And with that he was gone,
It was the last time she’d see his blue eyes.

When the news came of his death she turned white.
It was by far the worst day of her life.
Six days she mourned in her room,
But on the seventh she knew what to do.
That night she left with her gun and her knife.

The six men who murdered her sweet Nate,
Knew that she was full of black hate.
They saddled their steeds,
Put their backs to the breeze,
Tucked their tails and ran swiftly away.

For seven years Jane hunted them down.
She raided and pillaged every town.
Her hair had no gold,
And some lines really showed,
But she didn’t stop till they’re underground.

It was the date of her husband’s death,
When Jane stopped to take a small rest.
When she stopped in the saloon,
She heard a voice that she knew,
She kept her hand from flying to her chest.

Jane slowly turned ‘round on the spot,
Looked at the men who fired that shot.
She knew just who they were,
But they paid no attention to her,
They had no idea they had just been caught.

She smiled and yelled out a cheer,
They whipped around and knocked over their beer.
Six shots rang out,
As they died, she sat down,
And said “Bring me a whiskey over here.”

That night she received the best sleep;
For the first time her heart was at peace.
She was off in the dawn,
No one knew she had gone,
And never more would anyone see her weep.

The End

The Golden-Haired, Chicken-Killing, Iron-Rawkfist Maiden

2008-03-02T10:31:00.003-06:00

I can kill 'em, I can slice 'em, and I can sure as heck cook 'em. Last night we had chicken that I marinated for two days. Oooooh it was soooo good.

I went to Jess's house yesterday after ballet class, and I held a snake for the first time. O.O It was amazing... She (the snake) and I bonded rather quickly... and I couldn't put her down for a whole half-hour. Of course, that was partially because she was wrapped around my wrists like handcuffs, but it was also partially because I was having too much fun. xD It made me realize something very very humerous... I happen to make friends with all the animals my sister is deathly afraid of.

Like rabbits, for example. After watching Monte Python and the Holy Grail, Audrey was absolutely terrified of rabbits. She thought that if she set foot anywhere near one, it would tear apart her jugular. So, we went to a woodworking friend of mine's house, and met their house rabbit named Roscoe. He didn't look at Audrey more than once, but he spent the whole evening at my side, licking my fingers and letting me scratch his nose. The week after, he spent the entire time in my arms, licking my elbow. It was adorable, and it's the perfect weapon against Audrey. xD

It kinda goes well with my "scary" image... With one look I can silence her. Now I have the "scary" animals on my side; rabbits, snakes, and spiders. I'm undefeatable.

THROW UP YOUR RAWKFIST IF YOU'RE FEELIN IT WHEN I DROP THIS!!!! w000000t.

To You

2008-02-29T21:58:00.003-06:00

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you dislike me.
I'm sorry you're angry with me.
I'm sorry so much pain and hurt has gone between us.
I'm sorry neither of us can see past that and grow up.
I'm sorry we can't be mature enough to be friends.
I'm sorry this is effecting other things in our lives.
I'm sorry for 2 months of very negative, hateful feelings.
I'm sorry this is all my fault.
I'm sorry for opening my mouth and hurting you yet again.
I'm sorry for talking where I shouldn't.
I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry.

Emma

Bumfuzzled...

2008-02-29T07:29:00.002-06:00

Heyo, just wanted to bring out a quick prayer request...

I'm a little confused right now. Well, I'm always pretty confused, but now I'm like, really confused. I've been through some hard stuff in the last couple months, and everything just kinda turned over like a pancake. I was almost to the top and ready to eat the whipped topping, but now I'm next to the griddle, frying my rear. And it's hurting.

I'm just... looking for something. I don't know what... Answers, maybe? A new life? New friends (since I'm suddenly very short on those that even live in the same state)?

My mom asked me if I was depressed... It kinda shocked me, and I haven't stopped thinking about it. I don't feel depressed, I just feel... negative. I can't see myself succeed in dance anymore, my family is in hiding from me, I'm always tired, I'm starting to realize how much unneccessary weight I am carrying (like, 1/3 my body weight. >.<), and I feel like I can't do anything right at home anymore.

One of the biggest and most noticable changes about me is my speech. I used to never shut up. Now I can't open my mouth and say how my day went. I just feel like I can't talk to anyone. Not even my parents. I have nothing to hide; I'm not cutting, or doing anything harmful to my body except my mind. I feel like I'm tormenting myself by holding everyone at arm's length, but I don't know how to stop... I don't think there's any way to get back... I don't know how to trust anyone with my thoughts and feelings anymore, and it's scaring me.

I know it's a lot of stuff to read, and I totally don't mind if you just scrolled down to the bottom of my post... but just pray for some immediate relief for me, and for my family, cause they're all getting grey hair from me.

Memories

2008-02-23T08:57:00.002-06:00

Mkay, so I'm going to enter this year's western poetry contest at my library, and this poem is what I came up with. Should I scratch it and start over, or is it worth entering? (P.S. The last three years I've entered have all been consecutive first place wins. Does this poem look good enough to win again?)

Memories

Sitting all alone on my small blue bed,
I pull out a picture of my mom and dad
She was all dressed in white, looked so pretty,
There’s a cowboy hat on my daddy’s head.

Two young ropers from the great wide west,
They met while competing for the nation’s best,
And they fell in love, married in spring,
The next picture is of them riding into the sunset.

They had a pretty little ranch sitting off to the side,
The wildflowers always grew far and wide
I’ve got a photo of Mama lying under the sky
With my pa in his boots, right by her side.

They gave up roping when she had her first kid,
My big brother was the whole world to them then.
He had her bright blue eyes and Pa’s dark brown skin,
But he passed away from fever when he was only ten.

The next picture proves that nearly five years had gone,
They had changed so much, but they were still movin’ on.
They tried once more, and out came a girl,
This picture is of me; I had my daddy’s brown curls.

They taught me from the day I could walk
How to feed the chickens, and soon to take on their jobs.
One day I finally asked them to teach me to rope,
My pa readily agreed, but my mama said no.

She taught me to sew, to clean, to cook,
Taught me to read all of her books.
She taught me to smile even when times were hard,
And she loved me when I almost destroyed the yard.

My pa, on the other hand, gave me a gun.
He said if I met a dumb man then run.
He taught me to carve, and he bought me a knife,
He also taught me to rope sheep in the dead of night.

But my ma and pa were getting on in years,
They were spending more time in the house than the field,
Pa complained of arthritis, and Mama couldn’t hold her spoon
But every night they said their prayers under the moon.

I loved my mama and pa, and will until I die.
I want to live like they did, or at least I’ll have to try.
I know they had a good life, I know they cherished me,
I’ll miss them ‘till forever… but I’ll always have memories.
___

Yay or nay?

Fury, Frustration, and Forgiveness...

2008-02-11T09:17:00.001-06:00

Ever feel like you just want to tear people's heads off, but they live too many states away to do so? Ever want to use every insult, every shut down, every nasty word in the book, but know that it'll just do no good? Ever feel the fury of frustration because it's so hard to forgive?

I have been reading a very good book lately. It's called "Live Like a Jesus Freak" by dc Talk. Everything was going very well, until I came to the chapter called "Love like a Jesus Freak." In the chapter, there was a small challenge, but it took all of my being to make it through. The challenge was this: Think of three people - just three - that you absolutely can't stand. Three names instantly popped into my mind, and I almost trembled with anger. Then I read the next sentence: Offer a loving prayer for those three people.

Do WHAT?! >.<

Fine. I'll PRAY for those who make me so mad! So I bowed my head, and while trying to contain the temptation to curse them all to... someplace else, I felt a gentle spirit calm me. I was able to quietly whisper the words, "Jesus, please bless them, keep them, and show them Your merciful love while I am so unable. Help me to love them like you do." And when I opened my eyes, I realized... I really meant it. No, I didn't feel a sudden rush of warm, happy, fuzzy feelings for those three people, but I knew that I didn't want to hate them anymore.

One of my biggest faults is my refusal to forgive, coupled with self-pity and pride. I rarely see myself in the wrong after I've been hurt, and I tend to keep that in my heart for a long time, years even. I tend to lash out and try and use all those nasty words and insults. I want my enemies to be in PAIN!!! I WANT them to suffer, and I want to be the one who inflicts all that pain and suffering!

And then I'll go to church, and my pastor will conveniently preach about loving our enemies, to forgive them, and to ask God to help us along the way. The whole ride home I'll be in a little battle with God. "C'mon... Just a little bit of pain... Well, how about curse them now, forgive them later? Toilet paper his house?!" Naturally, the answer is always no. No, no no no no. Forgive now, love now. No exceptions. Uuuuugh. Fine. I've tried. I'm still trying. Even though I feel like I'm getting NO where, I'm still trying.

This post has been hard to write, because I KNOW that all three of those people are able to and read my blog. They are all gonna know what I've just written. I have no clue if they'll be able to figure out that it's them I'm talking about, but that's not really my concern. Part of this blog is just to ventilate. Part of it is to show what is really going through my head to these three people. And part of it is to keep forgiving, 70x7. That's 140 times. I've gotten to like... 8, maybe.... Got a long way to go, but I'm going to get there. And Jesus is gonna be the only thing that keeps me on my feet and on the right road.

Still praying... still forgiving.. and still loving. (Let's just not get into the apology side of Emma.... >.<)

ATTENTION. ALL EYES ON THIS POST RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

2008-02-08T19:40:00.000-06:00

This is a big day, for two reasons. The first, and most important is this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESS!!!! I LESS THAN THREE YOU SO MUCH!!! You mean so much to me, girl. I'm sorry this dedication is a little late in the day, but it's the first time I've been able to sit and think. =P I'm so glad I've been able to get to know you, and hang out! We need to do it more often! <3

And the second, which is minor, is that this is my 30th post on my blogger blog. I love it here! Yahoo. xP lol.

So go on over to Antelope's blog (her link is on my sidebar) and wish her a very happy 15th birthday! Dance on, and dance free!

Love, Pain, and Stars

2008-01-29T08:05:00.000-06:00

The doors slam shut,
They let go,
I’m all alone.
I’m given back my heart,
Don’t know how I’ll make it now.
They said they’re in love,
But now they’re not
Stabbed my back,
Left me to rot.

How am I supposed to trust
That I’ll make it through this day?
How can I laugh now,
When they tear through what I say?
You’re a liar,
You’re a thief,
You’re a sinner,
Not who you used to be.
Is this really me?
Is this really me?!

But then I look at the stars.
I can see how you moved each one.
Are you really here, when you only feel so far?
You whisper yes.
You hold me tight.
Tell me to hold your hand.
Please take me through the night.
I can’t make it on my own,
I need for you to help me,
I don’t want to feel alone.
You don’t make me feel alone.

Nearly everyone I trust
Has hurt me in some way.
The ones I love the most,
Turned tail, and ran away.
If I’m supposed to give up,
Just like they did today,
Then why keep pressing on?
What’s to live for, anyway?

How can I love again?
How can I trust again?
How can I live again?
When will I hurt again?
Is this really me?
Is this really me?!

But then I look at the stars.
I can see how you moved each one.
Are you really here, when you only feel so far?
You whisper yes.
You hold me tight.
Tell me to hold your hand.
Please take me through the night.
I can’t make it on my own,
I need for you to help me,
I don’t want to feel alone.
You don’t make me feel alone.

I’ve been so busy counting
All the times I’ve known to bleed
When I’ve forgotten all the times
You have stood by me.
The blessings triple the pain,
You’ve given so much for my gain,
I’m so ungrateful, you’ve always seen.
So thank you, Jesus, for saving me.

Now I can look at the stars.
I can see how you moved each one.
Can you really move my life?
Can I see what all you’ve done?
You whisper yes.
You hold me tight.
I've grasped your hand.
You’ve always been there in the night.
I can’t make it on my own,
I need for you to help me,
I don’t want to feel alone.
But now I’ll never be alone.
Cause Jesus, I love you
I love you.
I love you.
And you smile.

Psychological Disaster

2008-01-25T08:42:00.000-06:00

... There really is no disaster. I just wanted that title for the dramatic effect. x)

Nothing is new since last post. My job is still going well. There have been times when I thought my brain was going to fry from information overload, but it's all managed to compute. All my co-workers are really nice. The owner of the copy shop is married to the owner of Radio Shack just a couple doors away, so I got an invitation to hang out with the guys over there at any time business was slow at the copy shop, which is soooo cool. Last night I went down to RS after I closed shop, and chilled with the guys for a good 20 minutes before I went home. We all had some good laughs. xD

The friend situation is at a complete standstill. No progress, no decline. I've made a couple of new friendships, though, and renewed some old ones (Fishy... you're still a mess. =D). Which is totally cool. And it's helped. I'm sleeping a lot better at night, and I'm getting more work done in the day. Yesterday, I did two loads of my own laundry! I know. I was just as stunned.

I've been able to practice my music more too. My dad recently bought a banjo, so we've been playing around with that. So now we have a keyboard, a piano, two electric guitars, two acoustic guitars, a banjo, and a drum set. Not to mention my brother's armpit percussion, but that's better off leaving unmentioned. >.< Eventually, I'd enjoy getting a bass guitar, and playing around with that. I met up with some friends of mine that I haven't seen in ages, and they have a whole workshop full of instruments. The guy (who's almost 17 and freaking tall) is a percussion musician, but he and his 16 y.o. sister have all kinds of drums, guitars, basses, saxophones, etc. etc. They invited me over to their house sometime just to jam. =)
Plus, the lady who plays piano for my church invited me to lunch sometime soon. She wants to put together a piece to play during a service sometime, with her on the keys, and me on the strings. I basically panicked. haha. But we'll see. It'll probably be very fun, even if I screw up in the middle of it. I don't think my pastor will condemn me to hell if I miss the second verse of Amazing Grace. x) Er... at least, I hope not...

Feb. 14th is coming up!!! I don't know what I'm going to do, but I hope it's gonna be big. =D Oh, I just figured out EXACTLY what I'm going to do! The girls at dance and I have been talking about having a big Jane Austin Movie Marathon, and as far as I know, they're all single, so maybe they can all come to my house, and we'll watch romantic movies all night long. xD hahahahahah. perrrrrfect. A nice, single girls night, drooling over all the Mr. Darcys. Guys, beware! hahahahahah!

Well, it's after 9, and I must be getting ready for work! Today is Denim Day, so I get to wear my jeans instead of black or khaki pants, or my sister's skirts. x) Yayness! I want to wear my "I <3 NY" shirt, and my paint-splattered jeans, but I think that might be a little overboard... my boss might get a hernia...

Would you like lemon juice with your paper cut?

2008-01-06T11:09:00.000-06:00

Wow, plenty has happened since my last 2007 entry! A lot of good, and a lot of bad. =/ Hmm, let's talk about the good first.

Four days after my 16th birthday, I submitted an application for a job, as everyone knows, but everyone doesn't know that I got the job. =D My boss didn't even say "you're hired." She just said "When can you start?" And that was it. So Dec. 26th, I had my first day at the copy shop. :) I learned a lot! I know how to do most of the ordinary copy jobs, like "I need 100 copies of this, this, this, this, and this, double sided, black and white, tri-folded, and all stapled in order I have them in now. I'll be back in 2 hours." Yup, I can do all that. Actually, the machine does it. It's amazing! I push a few buttons, press start, and it does everything! All I really have to do is keep the paper trays stocked, make sure it's doing exactly what I want it to, box up the finished product, create an invoice, and charge out the account. Most of the time I can multi task. Get one job started on one copier, get another started on the other, and print out some copies on the large format copier, help some customers, and finish the first job. It's fairly simple, and fun. Lots of paper cuts, but it's all good.

So I'll be doing that 4 days a week. My schedule will be roughly like this:
Monday: 6.00 am school - 6pm-7.30pm ballet
Tuesday: 6-9.30am school - 10am-3pm work - 5.30-7 ballet
Wednesday: 6-9.30am school - 10am-3pm work - 6-6.45pm ballet
Thursday: 6-9.30am school - 10am-6pm work
Friday: 6-9.30am school - 10am-6pm work
Saturday: 11am-12.30pm ballet, any leftover school Sat. afternoon

I'm soooo excited. :)

Christmas was good; I got a drum set, and a digi camera, plus a bunch of pink kitchen utensils for my kitchen when I move out. And a totally awesome Teddy Tunes bear that plays music from my iPod, and an "I <3 NY" t-shirt. So cool. :) New Years was a little harder... Cause I have really bad memories of New Years day that really cut deep. That was partially because this was the second New Years that I went through alone.
Yeah, some of the stuff that happened last New Years happened again. I kind of... well, lost another best friend. A choice was made, that was assumed to be for my own good, and wasn't taken very well by several different people. And, well, I was sort of left alone. Again. But I am doing much better now. I can only hope and pray for the same for my best friend, especially now that we aren't really talking.
A couple of days before New Years, I hung out with a very good girl friend of mine, and we went out to a theme park and met up with one of her guy friends from her church, and the three of us had a really good time. :) So that helped soften out New Years a bit for me.

Ok, I'm sick of talking about that stuff. I want to be happy. :) I got Guitar Hero II for Christmas, and I finished the game on Medium last night, and bought all the bonus songs. I'm so happy. :) I feel like I've really accomplished something, even though it's so stupid. x) Oh well.

Well, I'm going to run. I've got some things to do, so I'll be heading out. :) thanks for reading my really long post! and I'll try to write again soon. :)

(P.S. this one's for my dawg and homeboi, Chrizzle)

First Post of 2008

2008-01-05T11:05:00.000-06:00

This one's for YOU, Fishy!

Boredom

2007-12-21T17:48:00.001-06:00

This is a song I am writing,
Because I am bored.
I've written no songs in a long time,
This might make you bored.
There is no purpose to my rhyming
Just click "Go Back" now
Never sense in my writing,
Where's my car, anyhow?

I'm BORED!
Oh yeah,
I'm BORED!
Oh yeah!

I'm at the town library,
And forgot my card.
I'll have to borrow Audrey's.
She's my sis, and she's bored.
My phone is ringing loudly,
if I answer i'll be kicked out.
My back pocket's buzzing softly,
A strange feeling... a very strange feeling...

I'm BORED!!!
Oh yeah,
I'm BORED!!!
Oh yeah!

Some say i'm nuts,
Some say I'm loony.
I don't care,
I play my own tune-y.
My pencil is poking me,
I don't have a memory,
I'm trying to brush my teeth,
The cops are taking me away!

SING IT,
SING IT,
SING IT,
I'M BORED!!
SING IT,
YELL IT,
HUMM IT,
I'M BORED!!!

Save me from this lunacy...

"It's my birthday, you dolt."

2007-12-20T12:06:00.000-06:00

Yup, another year gone. I'm 16, and getting older by the minute. You wanna know what I did to celebrate? I danced. And danced. And danced some more. In the Nutcracker. Every day. For a week. Technically, there really was no birthday celebration at all. =/ Ah well.

I did get a few gifts, though. I got Guitar Hero III, and pink kitchen knife, a diamond ring, a limited edition SIGNED Switchfoot picture book, a movie, earrings, and a hairbrush. xD Needless to say, I'm happy.

Yesterday, I got a better thing though. I got my very first job application. *w00ts around room* I think that was the best part about turning 16.

Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes! Made me smile very big. :) Oh, and the title of this post was my quote to one of my friends who happened to forget my birthday. haha, that was really funny. But, i'm used to it. oh well. lolz.

I have to go, because I'm working tonight and tomorrow, and my comp time is almost up. We have a new iMac, which has the built in camera. I had a lot of fun with it, so here's one of the most recent photos of me. :)

Let It Snow, Baby. Let It Reindeer.

2007-12-05T10:20:00.000-06:00

Yeah, basically the new best holiday CD on the market today. My favorite song is Sleigh Ride, followed by I Hate Christmas Parties and The Twelve Days Of Christmas. :) Relient K is soooo random and wonderful, and probably one of my favorite bands.

Parents have been asking me what I want for Christmas. My list isn't complicated. I just want a hairbrush and some toothpaste. My poor hairbrush... the finish is shredding off, and half the bristles are missing. :( As for the toothpaste... somehow, my toothpaste is sucked away faster than any of my sib's toothpastes... and I don't think it's because I brush my teeth too much. =/ (BTW, my favorite toothpaste is Aquafresh. Oh yeah!)

I'm turning 16 in 10 days. All year I planned about what kind of party I want, who I want to invite, what I'm going to do after I turn 16, etc. etc. Now I don't really care. I'm just going to have my party in February, after it's long forgotten, and I'm going to invite 3 friends, and we are going to play Guitar Hero until dawn. Sounds good to me! haha!

There is one good thing about turning 16, though. I am going to get a job at the local copy store. I know the owners very well already, because I babysit their kids regularly, so the mom offered me a job, as soon as I turn 16. And it's not just a copy shop. I will be learning how to create icons, build websites, learn HTML, and of course, learn how to run a copy shop. I'm so excited! This is exactly what I want to do in life. My plan is to go to a community college for 2 years, to get all my basics done, and then I am going to go to a big art institute to learn computer programming, website designing, graphic designing, etc. From there, I can either get a job out in public, or I can create my own home business. I plan on being independent, and working my way up. Maybe I'll go for 4 years at the art institute and learn more, and get a bigger degree. So many options... and it's all starting with this little copy shop. I'm so excited!

Oh, another thing is happening on my 16th. I will be performing in the Nutcracker for the 3rd year in a row! This year I have 3 parts: Waltz of the Flowers (my teacher's favorite part), Garden Attendant, and Lead Maid. It's not fabulous, but Flowers is by far one of the best dances in the show (except for the Sugar Plum Fairy and all...). So I'm satisfied. Next weekend, I'll have 4 shows, and I'll be sooooo tired. haha! I'm so looking forward to it!!! Even my brother, and Osprey are performing too. They are Lead Party Boys in the party scene. They're going to do so well! I can't wait!

And now that I've got onto the topic of dance, I just remembered this little thing about my pointe shoes... I have feet like bananas (think steel bananas, and you have the right idea), so I need really really really hard pointe shoes. Normally, shoes only last me a month or so, before they're like soft shoes. So I'm wearing a new style, called Sansha. Sansha pointe shoes have supremely hard shanks, and even have removable plastic shanks to use when the first shanks "die." Well, I had to use the plastic shanks right away. Those shoes were HARD! It was like wearing steel-toed boots! Then I started having problems, and when I took the plastic shanks out, both of them were broken in half. >.<

Well, that's all I have to say in this post. Next time I'll try not to wait two weeks before writing again. :) Toodles!

Vintage Parents?

2007-11-22T12:43:00.000-06:00

Vintage clothing comes and goes. But what happens with vintage PEOPLE come back in style? Like one's own parents, for instance?

Yeah, can you believe that my parents happen to be cooler and more popular than I am? My mom has one of the funniest blogs you can come upon. Everyone loves her. Everyone wants to talk to TC. Everyone want's TC's approval. My teenage friends talk to my mom before they talk to me! Like we went to my friend Ty's house, and what does he do. He runs over to the car door and spills his latest doings to my mom. O_o Of course, maybe that's because my mom does happen to BE cool...

Because she is the only mom I've ever heard of who will drive her 15 y.o. daughter two states away to go to an amusement park with two guys they'd never met in real life before. My mom is one of the few moms left on the planet who would be willing to take all of her kids to a Toby Mac concert, and dance in the knee-high mud, or to a Switchfoot and Reliant K concert, and be able to sing all the words. She drives 6 days out of the week to ballet, hockey, and basketball practices, all 15-75 minutes away. How dedicated is that? Not to mention she treats teenagers like adults, and listens to them. She understands teens better than anyone else I know. Hm. I guess you rock, Mom. Just share the spotlight once in a while. ;)

Then, there's my dad. He's no teddy bear of a person. He's a 6 ft. grizzly, complete with mismatched teeth and and a scruffy face. But all the ladies in my town absolutely ADORE him. The 21 y.o. at blockbuster calls him her "sweetheart," and the head librarian is wrapped around his pinkie. She'll get him whatever book he asks for. *rolls eyes* The women at his job call him the "coolest dispatcher they've ever met." >.< And yeah, he printed the convo out on paper just to show me, and prove it to me. I BELIEVE YOU NOW DAD! Gosh, now quit being so famous...

When I ask them in awe of how they got to be so cool, and I'm not, what do you think they said? "It's cooler to be cool, than to wish you were."

Ok, I take back everything I ever said that was nice about them.

Never mind, scratch that last sentence. They're my way into college... hehe, I love you, Moma! And thank you for the new iPod, Papasita! x) Much love to you both, and this thanksgiving, I am thankful for you.

Thinking it through...

2007-11-17T19:57:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I know my last few posts haven't exactly been in a cheery mood... I feel like I owe an explination as to why I suddenly blew up on my blog like that.

Things have been hard for me in the internet world. A lot of my relationships are based on the internet, and therefore, sometimes they don't always work so smoothly. For instance, there has been one blogger that has been getting under my skin for several months, and I finally lost it.

Why did I lose it? Because I was tired of being competed with. I was/am tired of having to try and prove myself to people I don't even know. I'm through with people preaching at me, and treating me like some little kid. Normally, I'd blow a lot sooner than I did this time, but I guess God wanted to push my limits... see how long I'd hold out... just one of these little lessons He keeps teaching me. Argh, just why does He have to make it so hard?!

A friend of mine told me that I'm a "hard girl to understand sometimes." Part of that is my fault. I don't express myself very accurately, and people often misunderstand my words. So, I am finally going to share the awful truths, so people may begin to have an inkling about the real me.

I have an extremely short temper. You may have experienced it on the net with me, but it's probably worse in real life. But I'm improving. Second, forgiveness is a hard subject with me. I've been hurt - a lot. I'm far from insecure, but I've got this mindset now that I just can't trust people like I used to (especially guys that like me/I like. How much can I share with them, so it doesn't hurt if they pack up and leave?). I am very loyal my friends, but I always doubt that they'll be there when it really counts.

If you asked any one of my friends what my deepest darkest secret is, none of them would be able to tell you. If you asked them what my favorite food is, they can't tell you. If you asked them when my birthday is, 95% of them wouldn't be able to answer. That's cause I don't talk about myself, and they don't ask. That is why I am hard to understand sometimes. It's cause you know nothing about me! I am a better listener than a talker.

So I guess I just want to wrap this up quickly. If you don't "understand" me, or feel like you have to compete with me over something, of if you think I'm someone to be avoided, it's cause you haven't taken the time out of your life to get to know me, or you simply don't care. Do not take me for granted, do not use me, and do not treat me like a child, and we should get along fine. :)

The next post I PROMISE will be a happy one. :)

Some people just don't get it.

2007-11-15T13:19:00.000-06:00

SHUT UP.
- By Emma. Written on 11-15-07.

I see your lips moving,
And I read the words you write.
But all I hear is critisism
Of the way I live my life.
No matter what I say,
No matter what I do,
You have to say something better.
And guess what! It's about YOU!
My ears are bleeding from the
Nonsense that you're speaking,
Stop right there,
Shut your mouth,
I want this to end,
I wanna tape your mouth!

Chorus:
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!
I'm tired of all the screaming!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Why can't you see I'm bleeding?!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!
You're causing me this pain!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!
You're driving me insane!

I don't care how perfect
Your life seems to be!
I don't care how wonderful
You are compared to me!
Please stop talking!
You aren't winning
In the game of who's not sinning!
Stop right there,
Shut your mouth!
I want this to end!
I wanna tape your mouth!

Chorus

This is it,
It's too late now.
Don't get in my way,
I will tear you down.
My last stand
So you've heard,
Shut up now,
Or you'll regret every word!

Chorus x2
_
Maybe some people will get it now.
Cause I am right fed up.

What you see is what you get.

2007-11-14T11:48:00.000-06:00

I freaking hate people. People hate me. People misunderstand me. People use me. Then people dump me.

I've been told I'm intimidating. I've found out that people are afraid of me, and avoid me. People play games with me. I've written things about myself, and then others have to top it with their own successes. People who call themselves my "friends" turn fickle just when I need them.

But you know what the most awful thing about that is? It is never going to change. I am me. What you see is what you get. I am not going to turn into a different person. I will probably always be intimidating. I will probably always be strongwilled. But people will always remain the same too. I guess I just have to "get a grip" as some have said, and simply concentrate on living my own life, and be the best I can be.

Or better yet, I'll become a nomad and travel the world for the rest of my life. That way, I won't be in the same place long enough to have friends. Problem solved.

Run Away

2007-11-07T16:02:00.000-06:00

So, I've had a few comments lately about my poetry and songs, and I've discussed how poets don't always talk about themselves and their lives/feelings. I also had a request for more of my writings, so here you go. This is the reverse. This is all about my life and for the last 5 years. Hope you enjoy it, and can read my underlying message.

Run Away

11 years old, Dad’s in a wreck,
He could live or die, I didn’t know yet,
Grandma’s takin’ over, Mom’s never home,
I lost my faith, be a while ‘fore it came back.
The anger at God that He did this to my dad
Made me so mad, it’s just too much to be had,
There’s no one to turn to, no one for comfort,
Pastor left the church, and everyone was hurtin’.
I was still alone at night, lying awake in my bed,
Pictures of Dad in a coma circling around my head.
My heart was bleeding, there was nothing to stop it,
The scar’s still there, still hurts once in a while, yet
Dad finally came home but things weren’t getting better,
I still stayed covered in my blue hooded sweater,
I was too young for this, the pain of an adult,
It was never ending, never ceasing turmoil.

Chorus:
And I just wanna
Run away,
Make the memories
Fade away,
Give up on this
Ending play,
Turn around,
And run away.
I’m gonna run
Far away,
Make the memories
Fade away,
Why do I have to
Die this way?
I just wanna go
Run away, far away.

At age 14 I was looking for love,
Nothing much, just somethin’ to keep me up.
But I found the guy I thought was the one,
Gave him my heart, became blind to the cons.
He seemed so devoted, completely true to me,
At last I felt the two whole halves of me.
I was sure we could make it to the ends of the world,
Well, for 10 months at least, before he found another girl.
The scar opened up and the pain flooded in,
I blamed myself for all the hurt I was feelin’, then,
Mom turned for the worst, and I feared for her life,
Oh God, not Mom! Take me instead to your side!
She was diagnosed with cancer, had immediate surgery,
I was there in the waiting room, crying to my knees.
First Dad, now Mom, what (or who) was next in line?
Was life on earth really worth the pain I felt inside?

Chorus

My sweet 16 is rolling around and I can
Still feel the wounds bleed from time to time, but then
I know the pain is temporary, God’s love is forever,
It was His hand that kept me from ending my life, however,
I finally understand why I went through all I did,
God was using all the hurt and pain to bring me back to Him,
And I can finally see the sunshine, the warmth is pouring in,
I can take the hoodie off and feel Him touch my aching skin.
I’m not broken, I’m not a mistake.
I’m a beautiful creature that God himself made.
Whenever I’m hurtin, I remember what he gave,
His own son, He died, so that I would be saved.
Don’t have to run no more, I don’t have to hide,
I can let go of everything I keep inside,
I know why I’m here, I know why He did this,
I’ll stand for Him until His plan is finished.

Chorus x2

Luke... I AM your father.

2007-11-05T16:45:00.000-06:00

So I am really run down right now. I had two big weekend parties in a row. The first one was my friend Ty's party, and that was like, the most fun I've had in a super long time. It was basically 9 teenage guys, me, and Ty's tomboy girlfriend. It was amazazing. We played Halo, Guitar Hero (I totally rule at that game. xD), and then we went outside and played football. Then, they started wrestling together, and I said that I could take down my brother Tyler (who is 6'1") in 10 seconds flat. So I did. And after I finished him off, I took down another guy, and accidentally busted his lip. Oopsies! Then, they ate all the pizza, and then I had to go home. :( It was absolutely fantastic. I don't know how I lived for so long without knowing these guys. And I like, fit in so well. It was wonderful. :)

The second one was Tyler's birthday party. He had Ty, Ronan, and Osprey come over to spend the night. Another amazing day. At night, we took all the lightsabers outside, and had a war. They all call me Darth Maul, so they gave me the double sided saber. It was sooooo cool - until my lightsaber went out. >.< Then I just attacked them all in the dark, and I don't think they'll ever forgive me. =/ Ah well.

So, now that I've worn myself out for two weekends in a row, I'm sick. AGAIN. argh argh argh argh argh argh.... Where's that monkey?! I want to shoot something. >.<

Here is Ty and Ronan, playing Guitar Hero at my house....

And here is Osprey, whom I could not get a clear picture of at the party, but this is him when he took me to the ballet. :)

Who Am I?

2007-11-02T15:32:00.001-05:00

I am stuck in a world where I don't belong,
Escape is impossible; the road back is gone.
Where do I go? Where can I hide?
They will find me... Find me hidden deep inside
Myself, searching for the one hidden truth
The one hidden truth I managed to lose
And now the one I cannot seem to find...
The one question... who am I?
I see myself from the outside looking in,
So cold, so alone... undone, so sullen.
The outside mask hides what I do not want to see,
My own inerself, my true identity.
So long ago when I shut myself out
That the key is lost, forever, no doubt.
If there's a way, i'll break and enter,
But am I ready to find the truth when I get there?
So I'll keep looking until my time draws to a close,
From there I'll go on to whoever knows.
No one will see my unwanted form,
Nameless, broken, walking out the door.
But for the last time. I cry, knowing this is my time.
I have failed in this pitiful life of mine.
My task is over, I'll never know the truth.
But, so is life... I've done all I can do.
I'm dying now, leaving my questions behind,
For someone else to answer: Who am I?

Response to a Response to myself.

2007-10-31T20:05:00.000-05:00

For those who have absolutely NO idea what on earth I'm about to talk about, please go here: www.homeschoolblogger.com/christinie and read her latest two entries. Thank you. :)

Christine, here is my response.
You make a good debate argument, and are certainly digging deeper into the discussion of free will. I shall happily continue with my point. (Please forgive spelling errors. I hate to make excuses, but I am still under pain medication from my wisdom teeth removal.)

"When I said "allow" it meant that, if we don't ask the Holy Spirit to do something, He most likely won't do it. So in a way we are not "allowing" the Spirit to work.

You ask where or when are we ever in control? It’s not really a control issue here…it’s a choice God has made, to give us a choice, and then He responds accordingly, in a predetermined way."

If we believe in a Sovereign God, then there is absolutely no need for us to "allow" or "ask" Him to do anything. I believe that God has in mind every single "decision" He "allows" us to make, because He decided to have us decide it ourselves. It's complicated... Let me explain.

In God's plan, He has everything worked out. From the time of Creation, to the time of Redemption. Everything that has happened since the Beginning has all been His doing. He knew that Adam and Eve were going to sin; He knew that Judas would betray His Son; He knew that I was going to rebel against Him at age 14, and return again. He knows every decision I will make in my life, He has named my hours, and He has already formed my future to its perfect state. (And I mean "perfect" in a sense that it is formed by God, therefore, it is "perfect" for me.) So, perhaps it is more God allowing US to have the free will to make our own decisions to help us grow and to learn. But He already knows the outcome of everything. Make sense? Sort of like He gives us the question, we answer, but He already knows our answer and already has a response.

I did not say that we were ever in control of God. No doubt we are never in total control of anything, much less our own lives. So I certainly disagree with this statement: "I am not saying that the Spirit CAN NOT work if we don't "allow" Him, but He most likely won't." How in the world does that work? If that were true, then it would be completely up to us for everything. If we sin and rebel, then we certainly aren't "allowing" Him to do anything, are we? If it were totally up to us to decide if/when to ever return to Him, it could never happen. If God's got everything totally under control, then He's working inside of us even during that rebellious time, and He's slowly bringing us back.

And it's the same situation with unbelievers. They have absolutely no power whatsoever to "allow" God to do anything. A lot of them have never even heard Christ's name spoken before, or if they have, some are certainly not asking Him into their hearts right away. They have no way to "ask" Him to work inside of them. They are completely independent on themselves. Does that mean He "most likely won't" work inside of them anyway? If that were true, none of us would most likely be believers today.

"Do you disagree with me when I said that you don't see many miracles in America, but that they're happening all the time where the gospel is going forth? Many miracles are happening in the USA, but not like they were in the New Testament, and not like they are where the gospel is going forth today."

Again, I have to disagree with you. The gospel is most certainly being spread throughout America, and I can tell you right now I've seen Him work firsthand in my family, and in my church. Very true, you don't see people rise from the dead; you don't see people miraculously recovered overnight too often. But that doesn't mean that God isn't working in America, simply because there aren't enough hearts "asking" Him too. And I don't know where you got the idea that very many miracles DON'T happen in the USA, because you yourself have proclaimed many miracles the Lord has performed in yours and your family's lives. There are a lot of Christians out there, and God has worked in every single one of them. Miracles happen every day - they just aren't quite as magnificent as they were in the Bible.

"Of course I am of the opinion that our main purpose in life, after glorifying God, is to "go and make disciples." I have a feeling that you are Presbyterian, and I know that some Presbyterians don't believe that we have to "make disciples" because some people are "chosen," and once you're saved, you're always saved (even if you murder someone and never repent) (I AM NOT saying that you believe that! I'm just speaking about the beliefs of Presbyterian I have heard speak)."

You went wayyy off topic here, I think. ;) You're right, I'm Presby, but what you posted here is something I think should be reserved for another convo... perhaps the one on Mrs. T's blog. And I am perfectly ready to defend my faith there if you should so wish to debate with me again.

So to wrap up my point, I believe that when it comes to free will, it is not about what WE do, but what God decides to place in our lives, and how we respond to it. He'll act in whatever way He sees fit, and while we are our own person, He is continually working in us, and is in total control, day in and day out.

Hope this all makes sense, and I'll continue further if you wish to keep discussing this. :)

Emma

P.S. The only reason I posted as Anonymous in the first place, is because some people seem to get offended whenever I post, and then get intimidated and back away, and then it never gets resolved. And then some have their ears too full with past arguments with me that there isn't enough room for my words from today to pass through. But since you opened the doors to my identity, I entered. :)

Shut up and be grateful.

2007-10-30T14:01:00.000-05:00

So, on Friday night I went to see Switchfoot and Relient K in concert - and I was going to see one of my best girl friends there. She has a lot of money in her family, and I always feel a little intimidated when I'm around her. Normally, I don't give a flying belch in space what anyone thinks about how I look, but with Samantha... I totally freaked out over my outfit and hair and stuff. So when I saw her that night... She had on exactly the same outfit. And I mean EXACTLY the same. So I'm taking that as God's way of saying, "Now see? You were all worked up, and now you find that you and Samantha are exactly the same. So sit down, shut up, and be grateful."

God has an amazing sense of humor.

Yesterday morning, I went into surgery to have my wisdom teeth removed. Hehe, it was actually pretty funny... I went in the office, and the doc came in to talk one-on-one with me, and then they knocked me out. I remember waking up afterwards in a curtained room, with my mom and a nurse beside me. They told me to go back to sleep, so I complied. Then I remember waking up again, and being put in a wheelchair. I think I feel alseep on the ride from the office to my car, and then when I got into the car, the nurse was helping me stand up and stuff, and I think I got mad at her cause I wanted to do it myself. I slept the whole way home (can you tell I love sleeping?), and when I got out of the car in the garage, my mom was supporting me and stuff... and then I passed out.

I think that was the best part of the whole day. haha. I just woke up, and I was like, where am I? Mom said I fainted, and they almost called an ambulence to get me. I just cracked up. I hobbled inside and collapsed on the sofa, and ever since, all I've had to do is eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, take meds, and tell my siblings to go get things for me. It's really not that bad... besides the hunger factor. I could eat a whole chicken and a half by myself, plus a cheeze pizza, french fries, and bacon.

I just have to keep reminding myself to just shut up and be grateful, right? ;)

Battle Wounds

2007-10-22T12:42:00.000-05:00

I had a tangle with one of those wild guinea pigs this week, as he was crossing my yard. You wanna see what the little booger did to me?

He BIT me! That's right! I had him in a head lock, and suddenly, he just whipped around and took a snap at my arm. Thank goodness the skin wasn't punctured, or I could have caught a disease or something. O_O He was just running along, and then he stopped. And turned. And stared at me. Then he charged, and my life flashed before my eyes.

But, I'm ok. :) I threw him off, and Dewey came and sat on him. Then the guinea pig ran away. Go us! Whoo!

Random Picture of the Day:

Woof.

Happy Stuff

2007-10-17T11:53:00.000-05:00

First of all, I'm not sick anymore! *w00t w00t*

Second, I got my phone back! *w00ts some more* Still waiting on the iPod, though... >.< (I don't think I shared the story about what happened to the iPod, did I? Well, my dad wanted to "buff" it, to get the scratches off. Next thing I know, my beautiful iPod goes flying across the workshop and lands on the concrete floor, and shatters into a bazillion pieces. I was NOT happy. But anyways, back to happy stuff. =])

Third, I can fit into my sister's jeans. x) She's like, really petite, so it's a good thing.

Fourth (and greatest of all), one of my best friends in the church came to Christ on Sunday. I've known him and his wife for 4 years, and after all that prayer and time just showing Christ to him through our lives, he finally made a profession of faith and joined the church.

I felt so special, because I was the first one he told, outside of the elders. (He doesn't have any kids, so he kinda spoils me and my sister.) He just came up to me and told me, and I started sobbing into his jacket. His wife didn't even know. So when they stood up and went to the front of the church, we had a box of tissues waiting for her. It was one of the most amazing services... God is absolutely amazing... hehe, i'm going to cry just thinking about it... omgosh, where are the tissues?

Edit:

Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Goofy

Your alter ego is Goofy! You are fun and great to be around, and you are always willing to help others. You arn't worried about embarrassing yourself, so you are one who is more willing to try new things.

Sunshine

2007-10-12T14:18:00.000-05:00

Sunshine

Sore, broken, beat down, depressed
You’ve learned life’s not always at it’s best
The truth is hard and the road is long,
What is there left to keep you strong?
That clouds start to rumble overhead,
Your mind’s a mess as you go to bed,
The lightning flashes, you don’t understand
Why things aren’t going the way you planned.

Chorus:
But one day there will be sunshine,
Glinting, shining, warmth inviting
Sunshine, looking down on you.
You’ll never know where you’ll find it,
But I can guarantee,
The sunshine will break through!

All alone in this awful place,
She can’t escape this human race,
She’s so confused and her hope is gone,
Her entire life just all went wrong.
The pain seems just too much to bear,
And she slowly sinks into despair,
The storms keep raging deep inside,
She’s given up the hope to fly.

Chorus:
But just keep looking for that sunshine,
Glinting, shining, warmth inviting,
Sunshine, looking down on you.
You’ll never know where you’ll find it,
But I can guarantee,
The sunshine will break through!

But even amidst the raging seas,
I know that God won’t abandon me,
He holds me fast and keeps me strong,
Until the storm at last is gone!

Chorus:
And I can see that sunshine,
Glinting, shining, warmth inviting,
Sunshine, looking down on you.
I know that you can find it,
And I can guarantee,
God’s sunshine will break through!

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

2007-10-10T09:47:00.000-05:00

Did you all know that a wild herd of rabid guinea pigs are illegally stampeding across the Mexican border into Texas? Troops are coming back from Iraq to deal with this growing problem. There have been 5 wounded and 2 deaths so far, and a whole lot of stinky droppings. The wild guinea pigs are said to have an ally of mice already located in the country, so lock your doors! Seal up every entrance into the house! Hide the children! SAVE YOURSELVES!!!!!!

I'm siiiiiick, so pity meeeeee.

2007-10-09T11:28:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I'm sick again. When I sniff, I sound like my pug snorting. Not very nice, now is it, precious?

Ballet class last night went well. I had some very nice turns, which made me happy, but my jumps lacked strength. I think it's cause I was under the weather.

Speaking of weather, it's a sunny and cool day here in TX, at a lovely 74 degrees. I'm going to go for a walk today in the back pastures and try to breath in some fresh air before dance.

I have my phone back, I have my phone back, I have my phone back, nanny nanny boo boo. *dances*

Random Picture Of the Day:

(note: this was me right before my celebration dance when the Colts won the SuperBowl this year.)

I smell like wax....

2007-10-08T15:33:00.000-05:00

And no, I didn't go "get waxed." I waxed and washed the car. The car wax smells so good, but it makes my hands feel tight, so I had to wash it off. Phooy. So yeah, this entire afternoon has been spent in car servicing and driving. It's a Standard shift, so I stalled it quite a few times. x) a bit scary, but I'm still alive. My dad had me pull the car into the workshop, and I was in a cold sweat the whole time. But I made it, without a single dent or scratch in the car. Yay me. haha.

It's been really quiet here since I last posted... I haven't done much but work at home. I have ballet class today, and tomorrow, and Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday, and work on Friday and Saturday, so yeah... it'll be a quiet, slow week. Nothing much on the schedule...

My grandparents are coming out next week, and they're bringing me an spinet piano. I'm so happy! It'll be like Christmas in October!

And, I got my phone back. x) I'm a lot shorter on cash, cause I helped my sibs out, but still, I have my phone! life is good.

Random Picture Of the Day:

The Present

2007-10-04T14:01:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, guess what I got to do! Pull fence posts, and put in new ones! Yay for me. >.< Then I got a spiderbite on the back of my leg that's the size of half my palm. owchies.

I need new pointe shoes. The ones I have are dead in the boxes (the tip, and the part that goes around the toes) and it feels like I'm dancing barefoot. I've only had the shoes for a couple months... I guess I just wear them out fast. I'm going to switch to a new brand and see how that goes. =/

Mom and I went to the thrift store the other day, looking for little odds and ends we needed. (Isn't it nice when you find a designer purse in a thrift store? Or even better when you get old handmedowns that no one can recognize and think you bought it new? Waste not, want not.) The only thing was... as I was browsing through the shelves, I felt a certain similarity to Napoleon Dynamite. O_o If I had found a fake dagger, I would have had to put it through my belt loop and whisper "That's flippin' sweeeet." I walked up to my mom, who was examining a shirt, and commented "I like those sleeves. They're real big." And she just cracked up. x)

Went to an outdoor festival the other day. I rock climbed (and won against my sister), went through the blowup obstacle course (lost to my sister), ate a couple hot dogs, and danced the night away. :) it was a lot of fun.

The Future

2007-10-02T13:36:00.000-05:00

This is going to be a cool month.

First, Osprey is going to get his braces off! *starts singing "Joy To The World"* That is going to be an awesome day.

Then, later in the month, my mom, my brother, Osprey and I are all going to see Switchfoot and Relient K in concert! *starts singing the Halleluja chorus* I'm so excited...

Dance classes are going well and strong. For a while, I felt horrible because I was having horrible classes. I'm not as good of a dancer as I thought I was... but things are looking better now. I guess the wakeup call helped me focus in class more, and I've improved a tad. My turns are better, and I'm in the 8+ fouette group (multiple turns in a row, in plain english.) I get around 14 fouettes on a good day. -3 on a bad day. =/ lol.

Had costume fittings. Those went badly. I look like an expectant cow. ha! Maybe it's just the poofy skirts.... or maybe not...

so yeah. I'm going to go rock out on my guitar now. burn out bright! byezers.

"Door" spelled backwards is "Rood."

2007-09-29T20:57:00.000-05:00

Just thought you all should know that. x)

g'night.

Happy Days

2007-09-28T11:20:00.001-05:00

Yeah, check out the new blog. yayness.

So as I said in the last entry, I went to the ballet with a friend. It was a blast! We saw Coppelia. Excellent ballet. We went to an Italian restaurant before, and the waiter had a special meal made just for me. xD It was so nice.

We got some pictures, but i'm to lazy to post them right now... i'll have a picture entry up in a few days. :)

So I'm still trying to figure out this Blogger, but I will hopefully have a brand spanking new template up soon. I like to do a lot of behind-the-scenes work, and don't often update things, which is a habit I'm trying to break...

If you want to read older posts about me, go here: www.homeschoolblogger.com/southernbelle because this is basically that blog, Part II. I'm tired of HSB and some of the snooty people on it, plus not being able to log in 75% of the time. Harumph. lol.

So yeah... I'm leaving now. ta.

I'm engaged to a 4 year old....

2007-09-27T13:31:00.000-05:00

... and recieved flowers from his sweet big brother. :) *happiness* The same big brother is escorting me (and my mom) to a ballet next Friday. *squeals*

Ode to iPod

IPod, oh iPod,
How I miss thee so, oh iPod.
Thou hast filled my days with joy,
And on rainy days, thou comforted me.
Thou woke me in the morn,
And put me to rest at night.
But tis no longer, my iPod.
Thy innards were torn
From thy thin, white frame,
And thy beautiful face became still.
My heart was filled with anguish
As thy soul was laid to rest.
My tears cascaded on thy marred surface;
No longer shall my heart leap to thy tune,
No more hours together, laughing and crying,
Dancing and singing to thy sweet melodies.
Over and over, my stereo cries for thee.
Thy name flashes ever on
On it’s blue screen,
As well as in my heart.
My memories of thee I’ll cherish forever.
And so, this is my final farewell;
I love thee so, my iPod.