To You

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you dislike me.
I'm sorry you're angry with me.
I'm sorry so much pain and hurt has gone between us.
I'm sorry neither of us can see past that and grow up.
I'm sorry we can't be mature enough to be friends.
I'm sorry this is effecting other things in our lives.
I'm sorry for 2 months of very negative, hateful feelings.
I'm sorry this is all my fault.
I'm sorry for opening my mouth and hurting you yet again.
I'm sorry for talking where I shouldn't.
I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry.

Emma

Bumfuzzled...

Heyo, just wanted to bring out a quick prayer request...

I'm a little confused right now. Well, I'm always pretty confused, but now I'm like, really confused. I've been through some hard stuff in the last couple months, and everything just kinda turned over like a pancake. I was almost to the top and ready to eat the whipped topping, but now I'm next to the griddle, frying my rear. And it's hurting.

I'm just... looking for something. I don't know what... Answers, maybe? A new life? New friends (since I'm suddenly very short on those that even live in the same state)?

My mom asked me if I was depressed... It kinda shocked me, and I haven't stopped thinking about it. I don't feel depressed, I just feel... negative. I can't see myself succeed in dance anymore, my family is in hiding from me, I'm always tired, I'm starting to realize how much unneccessary weight I am carrying (like, 1/3 my body weight. >.<), and I feel like I can't do anything right at home anymore.

One of the biggest and most noticable changes about me is my speech. I used to never shut up. Now I can't open my mouth and say how my day went. I just feel like I can't talk to anyone. Not even my parents. I have nothing to hide; I'm not cutting, or doing anything harmful to my body except my mind. I feel like I'm tormenting myself by holding everyone at arm's length, but I don't know how to stop... I don't think there's any way to get back... I don't know how to trust anyone with my thoughts and feelings anymore, and it's scaring me.

I know it's a lot of stuff to read, and I totally don't mind if you just scrolled down to the bottom of my post... but just pray for some immediate relief for me, and for my family, cause they're all getting grey hair from me.

Memories

Mkay, so I'm going to enter this year's western poetry contest at my library, and this poem is what I came up with. Should I scratch it and start over, or is it worth entering? (P.S. The last three years I've entered have all been consecutive first place wins. Does this poem look good enough to win again?)

Memories

Sitting all alone on my small blue bed,
I pull out a picture of my mom and dad
She was all dressed in white, looked so pretty,
There’s a cowboy hat on my daddy’s head.

Two young ropers from the great wide west,
They met while competing for the nation’s best,
And they fell in love, married in spring,
The next picture is of them riding into the sunset.

They had a pretty little ranch sitting off to the side,
The wildflowers always grew far and wide
I’ve got a photo of Mama lying under the sky
With my pa in his boots, right by her side.

They gave up roping when she had her first kid,
My big brother was the whole world to them then.
He had her bright blue eyes and Pa’s dark brown skin,
But he passed away from fever when he was only ten.

The next picture proves that nearly five years had gone,
They had changed so much, but they were still movin’ on.
They tried once more, and out came a girl,
This picture is of me; I had my daddy’s brown curls.

They taught me from the day I could walk
How to feed the chickens, and soon to take on their jobs.
One day I finally asked them to teach me to rope,
My pa readily agreed, but my mama said no.

She taught me to sew, to clean, to cook,
Taught me to read all of her books.
She taught me to smile even when times were hard,
And she loved me when I almost destroyed the yard.

My pa, on the other hand, gave me a gun.
He said if I met a dumb man then run.
He taught me to carve, and he bought me a knife,
He also taught me to rope sheep in the dead of night.

But my ma and pa were getting on in years,
They were spending more time in the house than the field,
Pa complained of arthritis, and Mama couldn’t hold her spoon
But every night they said their prayers under the moon.

I loved my mama and pa, and will until I die.
I want to live like they did, or at least I’ll have to try.
I know they had a good life, I know they cherished me,
I’ll miss them ‘till forever… but I’ll always have memories.
___

Yay or nay?

Fury, Frustration, and Forgiveness...

Ever feel like you just want to tear people's heads off, but they live too many states away to do so? Ever want to use every insult, every shut down, every nasty word in the book, but know that it'll just do no good? Ever feel the fury of frustration because it's so hard to forgive?

I have been reading a very good book lately. It's called "Live Like a Jesus Freak" by dc Talk. Everything was going very well, until I came to the chapter called "Love like a Jesus Freak." In the chapter, there was a small challenge, but it took all of my being to make it through. The challenge was this: Think of three people - just three - that you absolutely can't stand. Three names instantly popped into my mind, and I almost trembled with anger. Then I read the next sentence: Offer a loving prayer for those three people.

Do WHAT?! >.<

Fine. I'll PRAY for those who make me so mad! So I bowed my head, and while trying to contain the temptation to curse them all to... someplace else, I felt a gentle spirit calm me. I was able to quietly whisper the words, "Jesus, please bless them, keep them, and show them Your merciful love while I am so unable. Help me to love them like you do." And when I opened my eyes, I realized... I really meant it. No, I didn't feel a sudden rush of warm, happy, fuzzy feelings for those three people, but I knew that I didn't want to hate them anymore.

One of my biggest faults is my refusal to forgive, coupled with self-pity and pride. I rarely see myself in the wrong after I've been hurt, and I tend to keep that in my heart for a long time, years even. I tend to lash out and try and use all those nasty words and insults. I want my enemies to be in PAIN!!! I WANT them to suffer, and I want to be the one who inflicts all that pain and suffering!

And then I'll go to church, and my pastor will conveniently preach about loving our enemies, to forgive them, and to ask God to help us along the way. The whole ride home I'll be in a little battle with God. "C'mon... Just a little bit of pain... Well, how about curse them now, forgive them later? Toilet paper his house?!" Naturally, the answer is always no. No, no no no no. Forgive now, love now. No exceptions. Uuuuugh. Fine. I've tried. I'm still trying. Even though I feel like I'm getting NO where, I'm still trying.

This post has been hard to write, because I KNOW that all three of those people are able to and read my blog. They are all gonna know what I've just written. I have no clue if they'll be able to figure out that it's them I'm talking about, but that's not really my concern. Part of this blog is just to ventilate. Part of it is to show what is really going through my head to these three people. And part of it is to keep forgiving, 70x7. That's 140 times. I've gotten to like... 8, maybe.... Got a long way to go, but I'm going to get there. And Jesus is gonna be the only thing that keeps me on my feet and on the right road.

Still praying... still forgiving.. and still loving. (Let's just not get into the apology side of Emma.... >.<)

ATTENTION. ALL EYES ON THIS POST RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

This is a big day, for two reasons. The first, and most important is this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESS!!!! I LESS THAN THREE YOU SO MUCH!!! You mean so much to me, girl. I'm sorry this dedication is a little late in the day, but it's the first time I've been able to sit and think. =P I'm so glad I've been able to get to know you, and hang out! We need to do it more often! <3

And the second, which is minor, is that this is my 30th post on my blogger blog. I love it here! Yahoo. xP lol.

So go on over to Antelope's blog (her link is on my sidebar) and wish her a very happy 15th birthday! Dance on, and dance free!