Fury, Frustration, and Forgiveness...

Ever feel like you just want to tear people's heads off, but they live too many states away to do so? Ever want to use every insult, every shut down, every nasty word in the book, but know that it'll just do no good? Ever feel the fury of frustration because it's so hard to forgive?

I have been reading a very good book lately. It's called "Live Like a Jesus Freak" by dc Talk. Everything was going very well, until I came to the chapter called "Love like a Jesus Freak." In the chapter, there was a small challenge, but it took all of my being to make it through. The challenge was this: Think of three people - just three - that you absolutely can't stand. Three names instantly popped into my mind, and I almost trembled with anger. Then I read the next sentence: Offer a loving prayer for those three people.

Do WHAT?! >.<

Fine. I'll PRAY for those who make me so mad! So I bowed my head, and while trying to contain the temptation to curse them all to... someplace else, I felt a gentle spirit calm me. I was able to quietly whisper the words, "Jesus, please bless them, keep them, and show them Your merciful love while I am so unable. Help me to love them like you do." And when I opened my eyes, I realized... I really meant it. No, I didn't feel a sudden rush of warm, happy, fuzzy feelings for those three people, but I knew that I didn't want to hate them anymore.

One of my biggest faults is my refusal to forgive, coupled with self-pity and pride. I rarely see myself in the wrong after I've been hurt, and I tend to keep that in my heart for a long time, years even. I tend to lash out and try and use all those nasty words and insults. I want my enemies to be in PAIN!!! I WANT them to suffer, and I want to be the one who inflicts all that pain and suffering!

And then I'll go to church, and my pastor will conveniently preach about loving our enemies, to forgive them, and to ask God to help us along the way. The whole ride home I'll be in a little battle with God. "C'mon... Just a little bit of pain... Well, how about curse them now, forgive them later? Toilet paper his house?!" Naturally, the answer is always no. No, no no no no. Forgive now, love now. No exceptions. Uuuuugh. Fine. I've tried. I'm still trying. Even though I feel like I'm getting NO where, I'm still trying.

This post has been hard to write, because I KNOW that all three of those people are able to and read my blog. They are all gonna know what I've just written. I have no clue if they'll be able to figure out that it's them I'm talking about, but that's not really my concern. Part of this blog is just to ventilate. Part of it is to show what is really going through my head to these three people. And part of it is to keep forgiving, 70x7. That's 140 times. I've gotten to like... 8, maybe.... Got a long way to go, but I'm going to get there. And Jesus is gonna be the only thing that keeps me on my feet and on the right road.

Still praying... still forgiving.. and still loving. (Let's just not get into the apology side of Emma.... >.<)