I have a very large artery....

In my nose.

I was having a lot of trouble with nosebleeds (I've broken my nose 3 times, so I was kinda worried), so I went to the doctor today to have it checked out. First thing he did after shoving his stethoscope up the back of my shirt was stick a black tube up my right nostril so he could observe it, and I'm just praying to God that there wasn't a big old boogie in his way. I'm like, should I have blown first?

And Dr. Michael just says "Hmmmmm.... Hmmmm... Very interesting..."
And I'm thinking that he's probably found the new world up in there, but he just pulls out his black tube and announces that I have a very large artery in my nose. O.o He said the nosebleeds had nothing to do with breaking my nose, but this giant artery was a bit distressed, so we should just burn it shut. O_O I'm just thinking "You come near my nose with a match and I'm going to burn something of yours shut!"
He saw my hostile look an said reassuringly that it was a chemical and that it would just sting for a minute. Your eyes may water, he said, and shoved a stick covered with this chemical up my nose.

Oh. My. Lord. It did not sting. It didn't even BURN. It felt like my nose was going to EXPLODE. I'm trying my hardest not to hit this poor guy, and he's apologizing all over the place, and I've got my eyes squeezed shut so the tears wouldn't cascade down and ruin my makeup. He FINALLY removes the Stick Of Death and I thought I was going to fall over, cause it hurt so bad.

"Now, if that doesn't work, just come back and we'll consider a surgical option."
Yeah right, buddy. You'd better hope this works, cause if it doesn't, I swear...

I then had a nice interlude with the Lab needles. I'd rather have a needle suck away my blood any day, rather than face that Death Stick again.

My poor nose... after all we've been through... I hope it's gonna be okay now. Cause I can't take too much more damage to it, or else I'll end up looking like Michael Jackson.

Only in Texas

Only in Texas can you...

1. Dress up to go to Wal Mart
2. Eat roadkill for dinner
3. See a dead hog on the road and have to tell the whole neighborhood
4. Shoot guns in your backyard
5. Get chased by turkeys and live to tell the tale
6. Tell blonde jokes and have nobody get offended
7. Give the directions to your house: "Just turn by the GIANT WATERMELON. Yeh can't miss it!"
8. Know both the richest and poorest people in town
9. Travel 1 hour in any direction just to get to decent civilization
10. Insult and demonstrate a rude gesture to a Democrat and not get in trouble.

Odds and ends.

I'm listening to Breaking Benjamin right now, waiting for 6 pm to roll around so I can go home. Evil Angel is my favorite song... Oops, phone is ringing. Brb. Oh, never mind, Peter got it. Anyways. I had nothing going on so I jumped on the comp. I love how Breaking Benjamin has all these hardcore, yet sensitive songs. I loves it.

Since my mom and sister are gone, guess who all the housecleaning chores fall upon? You guessed it; yours truely. Needless to say, there's a fur coat on the floor, dishes piled in sink and on counter, and my shoes everywhere. I guess that's what's going to be my big project this weekend. My bedroom could do with a good shoveling out too... The dogs are no help. Any time the black lab (we call her "Horsey") walks through the house, there's a trail of hair behind her, not to mention the dandruff the pug leaves behind. Not cool. >.<

I miss my mommy... I hope she comes home soon... cause my dinners really don't taste good. And my dad agrees with me, I'm sure. =P Maybe tonight I'll just tell them to order takeout. I don't wanna cook and put more dishes in the sink... I think that's what I'll do tonight. Kitchen duty. Yay me.

Highlight of this month: I got a raise. *w00ts around room*
Lowlight of this month: I got a promotion. *un-w00ts around room*

50th Post

.... and I have NOTHING new to talk about since last month. Nothing's really happened...

My mom and two youngest sibs are in PA for two weeks. Which is cool. I have my bedroom to myself. Which is also cool. There's a new guy at work. Not so cool. haha jk.

I still like my short haircut. Nobody recognizes me though... it's almost sad. But I'll get over it, I'm sure.

Huh... I'm struggling for SOMETHING to speak about... I was a techie at the local ballet performance for a whole week. That was fun, but mostly because I got to hang out with the musicians the whole time. Just two guys and me in the pit for hours on end, sleeping, laughing, getting yelled at... Bliss, I tell you.

Yes... I live under a rock and I don't get out much...

My house (the destroyed one I spoke about a while back) is STILL not fixed. Nothing has been done besides measuring the windows for new ones. And, on top of that, my dad decides to throw us 4 kids out of the big, spacious bathroom (second nicest out of our three bathrooms) so he can rip it apart. In the third bathroom, where all of our stuff is now crammed into, the shower works on it's own, the toilet takes vacations, and the sink clogs (not to mention you can't hardly turn around in it without falling onto the toilet or into the shower). Shouldn't this be the bathroom to remodel? Of course not. We're going to pick the bathroom that works JUST FINE and redo that one first. *shakes head*

My dog is still lost, and I am ready to take all my posters down. He's not coming back... oh well. I hope he's comfy, wherever he is. Comfort was his favorite thing in the world, besides food. I hope he's got both.

Time to go to work. Again. Anyways, thanks for reading this, even if it did bore you to death. Go read TC's blog for more enjoyment.

I can't talk over this lip ring...

*gets smacked by Jess*

Ok, ok, I lied. There is no lip ring. Just a major hair cut...
I was bored, so I decided to get something new and fun. I really like it! I also got some highlights and all. Here is a sideish view.
I like the way it frames my face and stuff. I can flip it out, curl it in, curl it all around, scrunch it, etc. The only thing I can't do is put it in a pony tail. Yay!!!
Just a back view. The underside is darker than the top, which is cool. I was so nervous, cause my parents didn't know I was getting it cut. My dad had to sit down when I showed him. xD I think my mom likes it, though. My sister about had a heart attack. ha!

Anyways, I just thought it was time for a change; an outward appearance of the new me. Oh yeah.

I guess the lip ring will just have to wait another year or so before I move out of the house... *sighs wistfully*

"I told the Witch Doctor I was in love with you. I told the Witch Doctor you didn't love me too. And then the Witch Doctor he told me what to do."

"He said now, Ooh to the ee to the ooh ah ah to the ting to the tang to the walla walla bing bang."

You can't beat Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Yes. On a recent whim and sudden reckless desire (I was under the influence of both no sleep and two bottles of chocolate milk) I bought the soundtrack to the Chipmunks movie.

And lemme tell ya... I'll never regret it. If you haven't seen the movie, you should. It's not just a kiddo's movie. The Chipmunks, aside from being brilliantly digitally created, are truly the life of the movie, especially in the songs. Forget the pathetic humans. For me, it worth it just to hear a squeaky voice and know that's Jessy McCartney. xD No, the Chipmunks really rock this one. (they beatbox and rap too!!!!! =D)

And uh, I guess it has a good story too... about family, and sticking together... all that junk.. *cough*

Yeah. So I thought I'd just tell you all about that.
------
So like... I'm doing something very dramatic to my appearance today... Like, never done before. This is probably a life changing decision I'm making. Yes. Serious moment.... (pictures soon)
------
The dress code I complained about... it's not that bad, when you really think about it. I bought three polo shirts, and I have two pairs of dressy pants. I'm just fine. *sigh* At least I can keep the black toenail polish on since I can't wear flipflops. Which is cool. I wonder what they'll think about my lip ring... I mean, oops!


hahahahahahahaha. Made ya look.

Dress codes, Blisters, Dying phones, oh my!

My boss is really cracking down hard on the dress code at work. >.< I don't even own half the stuff I'm supposed to wear, and own everything I'm NOT supposed to wear.

Good stuff (what I have marked by an x):
Black pants (x)
Khaki pants (x)
Capri pants (half an x)
Polo shirts
Button up shirts (I own one that is too small)
Loose, comfortable dresses of suitable length (the one I bought just a short while doesn't fit this category anymore. It is a halter and exposes too much back. >.<)
Denim skirts(long, of course)
Long church skirts
Anything that is "casual business attire"

What Not To Wear:
T-shirts with basically anything on it,
Tank tops
Any top with thin straps
Halter tops
Anything with a low neckline
Shorts
Jeans (except on Fridays)
Flip-flops


I thought I was going to die. *sigh* I have never bought dressy clothes like, ever. Jeans and t-shirts, all day, every day. And wear an ancient skirt on Sundays. Oh well. I guess a shopping trip is in my very near future. Gah.

----

My dance recital is Saturday night, and I have two blisters that will not go away. Do you know how hard it is to find good blister products these days, and especially to find a box that hasn't been broken into already? *sighs again* I can hardly walk in the mornings. My feet feel like they're going to fall off. I've been wearing pointe shoes every day this week and all of last week too. I'm thinking about getting a foot massage after the show. I need like, my friend Randall down here, cause he's weird in the way that he doesn't mind gross ballerina feet. I'm going to con one out of him the next time I see him.

----

My phone's almost dead. Like, not the battery. The phone. I'm so happy!!! I can't wait to update my plan and get off my parent's plan. I want a red Shine. Oh yesss. It shall be heaven on earth. w00t.

Good gravy, it's time for work again. Today, I think I am going to wear... Khaki pants, and.... uh... some sort of top... idk... this is going to be interesting.

Nothing you can say, nothing you can do. There's no other way when it comes to the truth, so keep holding on.

Oh yes. Avril Lavigne. I've bought like, 4 cds in the last two weeks. Lecrae, Taylor Swift, and two Avril albums. I'm pathetic.

Actually, I'm like, spending too much money. I just bought a huge boxload of makeup (good quality makeup too!) and got it yesterday.
However, I'm still spending less than I make, so it's all good.

Ever wonder what "silent as the grave" really means?

I am sad to announce... that my punk days seem to be fading away. And it makes me want to cry. I feel like a total girly girl and I haaaaaate it. It must be my job. Ever since my black slacks, I've been wasting away. I have a freaking dress.

And now it's time for work. cha.

More of the rest of the story...

So yeah. Sea World + me = lots of fun. I was going to write a really long post about all the shows and cute guys and adorable penguins, but I'm just going to say that I had a blast. For the story about the busted kneecap, go here. Unfortunately, I forgot to put sunscreen on and couldn't raise my arms above my shoulders. But it's all good now.

The last couple days of my vacation were just spent with family. We had lots of fun just chillin' at the pool and stuff. We left early Monday morning, and got back Tuesday around noon with only a couple flat tires and a fuse issue. xD

Ever since I have been working my rear off at work and ballet. My friend Allye was this I I close to moving 3-4 hours away from me. She's like, one of my best friends, and is getting married in a month. But thank the Lord, her fiance got a different job and so she's staying. :D yayness.

Had professional ballet pictures yesterday. Despite the ugly rag costume, I think they are going to turn out well. Have my ballet recital next weekend, and I have a mini solo. I have never danced better than I have these last few months. I just wish some people were still around to see my improvement.

I only have a few more minutes on the comp, so I'm just rambling really quickly.

I got my Lecrae album. This is like, the best muzic ever. I am soooo in love with this CD, and I totally recommend it to like, anyone. I want to choreograph a dance to the song "Jump." yeah. More info later.

Got to run... time for bed and a full school day tomorrow. woot. not. haha.

Rudolph the Red Nose Blondie...

Ahhh... I have been enjoying the last few days in sunny south Florida, where the water is warm, and handsome young men are plentiful. xD Of course, they show up with their size 2, bleached blonde girlfriends, so I end up by myself and making the most of it. I have never known the feeling of being so wonderfully alone - until 2008. It's remarkable.

But anyways. I stray from the actual point of this post. My vacation.

We left on Monday afternoon, or late Monday evening, after the shredded tire in Dallas, which chewed up 2.5 hours by itself. The rest of the 22 hour drive was uneventful - if you don't count screaming in the car while watching Jaws at 10 PM. Not a good flick to watch when you're going to the beach soon. xD We arrived at my grandparents house late on Tuesday. The rest of the afternoon was spent talking and eating. There was little of the latter cause we were all so busy flapping our gums.

Wednesday we went to the beach. It was the first day of La Sunburn. Over 6 hours in the sun, and I thought I couldn't soak enough into my skin, but evidently I did... I didn't want to leave, but my family practically dragged me out. Oh well. It was fun anyway. We went to a pizza joint afterwards. It was nice.

Thursday was our "girls day." Meaning that the boys went fishing and the girls went shopping. I got a good armload of stuff; upperbody garments that would better suit my aching sunburn, a couple of flicks, a necklace, and a wallet. I made off well. :)

Friday was SeaWorld, but that is an entire post in and of itself, so I'll save that for next time. :) But I'll give you a couple hints... imagine very cute guys, no water, more sunburning, with lots of pictures and you have the general idea. =P But I'll definitely expand on that later.

Until then, I'll be whistling Rudolph while rubbing in layers of Aloe Vera. xD

P.S. coming soon... a CD review on Lecrae's album "After the Music Stops". I have been waiting for this CD for forever, and purchased it via Amazon a couple days ago. I'll be able to listen to it when I get back to TX. It's a Christain rap album. I'm so excited!

Q: What do you get...

... when you mix: A really hot guy + poetry + an old friend's death?
A: Lots of tears.

So a few weeks ago I showed you all my poem, The Revenge of Jane. I submitted it into the Cowboy Poetry contest held yearly at the library, and won first place for the fourth consecutive time. Being a winner, I was asked to read it aloud at the Western festival they always host. M'kay, whatever. I'll read then leave.

But of course, the sensitive, emotional, and totally embarrassing side of me just HAD to show that day.

You see... just a couple weekends ago, my old friend Jennifer died in a car wreck. She was 18, and I had danced with her for over 6 years. An 18 wheeler basically drove through one side of the car, and Jennifer, being the only one NOT wearing a seat belt, was thrown from the vehicle, and was the only one who died. Jennifer was... well, she was the definition for awesome. (She wore high-top converse shoes to the prom. She's like, my hero for that.) And now she's gone...

Just a few months before THAT, another person died in a car wreck. His name was Shane. I remember Shane. I only met him once, but once was enough. It was at a Cowboy Poetry contest where we both entered, and my poem won over his - and it shouldn't have. We talked for a long while after the contest about our poems. He was very kind, polite, and obviously a charming cowboy gentleman. I'll never forget him. And THIS particular contest that I entered with The Revenge was dedicated to Shane. And a bit of my poem was written for him.

So here I was, clutching my already depressing poem and thinking about the sad stories of my friends, and I get to the contest and realize that they've already read my poem out loud since I wasn't there in time.

I tried not to, but I cried.

And of course, the poor librarians felt bad, and just HAD to make me read my poem after the adult division was over.

And woe of woes... when I stood up in the front to read my poem, already red-eyed and shaking, THERE in the front was Chris, one of the hottest and most unavailable guys in Dirtville. All i can remember thinking at that point was "Oh shoot."

And from there, I sobbed. Each verse came out choked back with tears. Each word, each line and paragraph was a battle between myself and my voice to say it in English. When I paused, I realized that the entire room was dead silent. A pin could have dropped and deafened us all. How embarrassing. I did my best to cover up and finish my poem with what dignity I had left, and the room erupted with applause. I was humiliated and shuffled away as fast as I could without blindly running into the sound equipment.

And naturally, Chris came up and talked to me. Shoot. He was very nice, and sensitive to my tears. He said that I almost made him cry along with me. Great. And then he said it was a terrific poem and he thoroughly enjoyed it. Omgsh... Can I hug you?

I left as soon as I could - which was after I gave an autographed copy of my poem to a woman who said it was "the best poem she had heard in her life." O.O Yeahhhhh... I swear that was one of the most embarrassing days I have ever experienced.

R.I.P. Jennifer and Shane... You are dearly missed.

Forget this!

Bah, I'm not going to let some retarde- I mean, sorry Mom... - uh, stupid teenagers get in my way of what I enjoy. If y'all don't like what I have to say, you don't have to read it. Go somewhere else and have a nice life.

ANYways.

I got my hair cut yesterday. w00t w00t. I know. So here are some Before and After pictures (As promised to lovely Jess. xD)

Here I was a couple days ago:


I know, "blah" right? Well, here's the NEW ME!



.... that one's kinda "blah" too, isn't it? Well, it's kinda cause I just woke up.



O.O

So yeah. Hope you like my 'do, cause I am certainly fond of it already. xD

And I'm back, full blast. So if you want to read my blog, and continue to leave me nasty comments, prepare to deal with The Beast.



But to all others, PEACE!!!

P.S. better pics in the future. lol! The Smileator was broken today... It'll be repaired, I promise. :)

PRAYER REQUEST

Last night, around 1:05 am, all three skylights in my house were smashed, due to softball-sized hail. Three windows were broken through, and possessions and floors were ruined by the sudden flash of rain pouring into the house.

One of those skylights was directly above my bed.

At 1:00, I awakened to the pounding above me, and all I could think was "The skylight is going to break, and I am going to die." I got out of bed and woke my sister, and met our brothers in the hallway right outside our bedrooms. The boys had a skylight in their room too. Within seconds, the skylights gave way and glass and water went everywhere, leaving us shaken in the hallway.

Both parents were called back from work, and nobody went to bed before 4:30-5 am. I would have stayed up, cleaning my bedroom, but my dad forced me to get some sleep.

This morning, it is our job upstairs to clear everything we own out of our bedrooms. Our insurance will cover the damage, thank God. The dude is coming out to inspect everything this morning, and my dad said that they'd have to pull the carpet off my bedroom floor. (Good side: I hate that carpet with a passion. It is the color of mud. Bad Side: I have a lot of crapola in my room that has to be cleared out, and I am sooooo not looking forward to it.)

Everyone is OK, and no one has stepped on glass - yet. Some pieces of the skylight are still in place, and are very fragile-looking. There's still a lot of glass on floors, and lots of work to be done.

Please pray that everyone will remain safe as we try and fix the damage, and that everything will be returned to normal very shortly. And THANK GOD I wasn't in my bed when the skylight broke, cause I can't thank Him enough.

Quick note...

My dog ran away last Friday night. I'm really worried about him. Please pray that he's ok, and will come home soon. I'm not doing so well at all... My poor baby. *sigh*

Getting Dizzy

This is it. The End - for now.

I'm gonna take a break. It probably won't be long, but right now I feel a little vulnerable and a bit like a target. It has been revealed that some people read my blog that I don't really want here... So now we can all take a break, chill out, and maybe in a month or so I'll try again with a level head. I have very negative feelings right now, and when I express them, something always goes wrong. So I'm going to be quiet, and lurk in the shadows.

I'm not leaving the planet, no matter how much we all wish I did, so if you've got my cell number, feel free to call, or shoot me an email (Jess Roo, this means you. ;])

Anyways... Look for me at the end of April. Until then... Burn out bright.

Emma

P.S. pray for me...

Last Straw

I've had it. This is ending RIGHT NOW.

Comment moderation has been turned on.
Anonymous commenting has been turned off.
I am this ] [ close to shutting down my blog.
And I am right ticked off.

So leave me the heck alone.

Mommy of Two - And Lessons Learned

I am now the proud mommy of a baby bunny. Dewey doesn't like him, but they'll get along eventually. :) His name is Benny, and unfortunately, my black lab found him first. When we got Benny away, his wee nose was bleeding, and one eye looked injured and was swelling shut. He was in absolute shock. The poor baby clung to me, and scrambled up my tank top, wiggled onto my collarbone under my button-up blouse, and there he stayed. It was like his little nest on my shoulder. My dad din't think he'd make it through the night... But before I went to bed, I checked on him and asked a special prayer for God to keep this sweet animal alive, and He did. Benny was doing much better this morning. Both eyes were open wide, staring at me, and his nose was washed clean. He's adorable...

Unfortunately.... my dad is going to take him to a rabbit specialist friend of mine (who owns Roscoe) who will take Benny and his brother Spot, to care for them. I think that they will eventually go back in the wild when they're older, which makes me really sad, but I want Benny to have a good life.

-----
Over the last week, I've learned a few lessons I'd like to share with everyone very quickly.

1. Don't leave an unattended pot of spaghetti sauce on the hot stove.
2. Don't print 900 copies without checking one first.
3. Always shut up and listen.
4. Don't confront old friends - they'll just scowl at you.
5. Always smile back, even if you do confront them.
6. Smile at everyone you think are morons - they'll never know.

The Revenge of Jane

Ok, this is the poem that I entered into the Western Poetry contest today. I realized that the deadline was tomorrow, so after I closed shop, I sat down and typed this up very rapidly and ran over to the library to enter it. I totally scrapped the other one...

So here's the new one. :) Enjoy! (Note: This is a 30 min flat poem, no editing included. Don't pick on me.... lol.)
_________

The Revenge of Jane

There was a young gal named Jane,
Who was never in her life called plain.
She wore ribbons in her hair
While she fed her chickens there
On her sweet little home on the range.

Every man and gent in the land
Had come and asked for her hand.
But she shook her head no,
One by one, let them go,
Said she’d wait for just the right man.

One day that man came up to her door,
Nate knocked once, then kneeled on the floor.
He took off his hat,
While he proposed, that was that.
Her heart wasn’t lonely anymore.

Nate owned a large oilfield;
While he worked, she made all of his meals.
Jane was happier than ever,
This man made everything better,
Those blue eyes sent her heart to reel.

But there were some in those western parts
Who didn’t have such joy in their hearts.
They hated that man,
Wanted him dead in the sand,
And would do anything to tear him apart.

One morning Nate turned to his wife,
And whispered “I will love you all of my life.”
Jane hugged him long,
And with that he was gone,
It was the last time she’d see his blue eyes.

When the news came of his death she turned white.
It was by far the worst day of her life.
Six days she mourned in her room,
But on the seventh she knew what to do.
That night she left with her gun and her knife.

The six men who murdered her sweet Nate,
Knew that she was full of black hate.
They saddled their steeds,
Put their backs to the breeze,
Tucked their tails and ran swiftly away.

For seven years Jane hunted them down.
She raided and pillaged every town.
Her hair had no gold,
And some lines really showed,
But she didn’t stop till they’re underground.

It was the date of her husband’s death,
When Jane stopped to take a small rest.
When she stopped in the saloon,
She heard a voice that she knew,
She kept her hand from flying to her chest.

Jane slowly turned ‘round on the spot,
Looked at the men who fired that shot.
She knew just who they were,
But they paid no attention to her,
They had no idea they had just been caught.

She smiled and yelled out a cheer,
They whipped around and knocked over their beer.
Six shots rang out,
As they died, she sat down,
And said “Bring me a whiskey over here.”

That night she received the best sleep;
For the first time her heart was at peace.
She was off in the dawn,
No one knew she had gone,
And never more would anyone see her weep.

The End

The Golden-Haired, Chicken-Killing, Iron-Rawkfist Maiden

I can kill 'em, I can slice 'em, and I can sure as heck cook 'em. Last night we had chicken that I marinated for two days. Oooooh it was soooo good.

I went to Jess's house yesterday after ballet class, and I held a snake for the first time. O.O It was amazing... She (the snake) and I bonded rather quickly... and I couldn't put her down for a whole half-hour. Of course, that was partially because she was wrapped around my wrists like handcuffs, but it was also partially because I was having too much fun. xD It made me realize something very very humerous... I happen to make friends with all the animals my sister is deathly afraid of.

Like rabbits, for example. After watching Monte Python and the Holy Grail, Audrey was absolutely terrified of rabbits. She thought that if she set foot anywhere near one, it would tear apart her jugular. So, we went to a woodworking friend of mine's house, and met their house rabbit named Roscoe. He didn't look at Audrey more than once, but he spent the whole evening at my side, licking my fingers and letting me scratch his nose. The week after, he spent the entire time in my arms, licking my elbow. It was adorable, and it's the perfect weapon against Audrey. xD

It kinda goes well with my "scary" image... With one look I can silence her. Now I have the "scary" animals on my side; rabbits, snakes, and spiders. I'm undefeatable.

THROW UP YOUR RAWKFIST IF YOU'RE FEELIN IT WHEN I DROP THIS!!!! w000000t.

To You

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you dislike me.
I'm sorry you're angry with me.
I'm sorry so much pain and hurt has gone between us.
I'm sorry neither of us can see past that and grow up.
I'm sorry we can't be mature enough to be friends.
I'm sorry this is effecting other things in our lives.
I'm sorry for 2 months of very negative, hateful feelings.
I'm sorry this is all my fault.
I'm sorry for opening my mouth and hurting you yet again.
I'm sorry for talking where I shouldn't.
I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry.

Emma

Bumfuzzled...

Heyo, just wanted to bring out a quick prayer request...

I'm a little confused right now. Well, I'm always pretty confused, but now I'm like, really confused. I've been through some hard stuff in the last couple months, and everything just kinda turned over like a pancake. I was almost to the top and ready to eat the whipped topping, but now I'm next to the griddle, frying my rear. And it's hurting.

I'm just... looking for something. I don't know what... Answers, maybe? A new life? New friends (since I'm suddenly very short on those that even live in the same state)?

My mom asked me if I was depressed... It kinda shocked me, and I haven't stopped thinking about it. I don't feel depressed, I just feel... negative. I can't see myself succeed in dance anymore, my family is in hiding from me, I'm always tired, I'm starting to realize how much unneccessary weight I am carrying (like, 1/3 my body weight. >.<), and I feel like I can't do anything right at home anymore.

One of the biggest and most noticable changes about me is my speech. I used to never shut up. Now I can't open my mouth and say how my day went. I just feel like I can't talk to anyone. Not even my parents. I have nothing to hide; I'm not cutting, or doing anything harmful to my body except my mind. I feel like I'm tormenting myself by holding everyone at arm's length, but I don't know how to stop... I don't think there's any way to get back... I don't know how to trust anyone with my thoughts and feelings anymore, and it's scaring me.

I know it's a lot of stuff to read, and I totally don't mind if you just scrolled down to the bottom of my post... but just pray for some immediate relief for me, and for my family, cause they're all getting grey hair from me.

Memories

Mkay, so I'm going to enter this year's western poetry contest at my library, and this poem is what I came up with. Should I scratch it and start over, or is it worth entering? (P.S. The last three years I've entered have all been consecutive first place wins. Does this poem look good enough to win again?)

Memories

Sitting all alone on my small blue bed,
I pull out a picture of my mom and dad
She was all dressed in white, looked so pretty,
There’s a cowboy hat on my daddy’s head.

Two young ropers from the great wide west,
They met while competing for the nation’s best,
And they fell in love, married in spring,
The next picture is of them riding into the sunset.

They had a pretty little ranch sitting off to the side,
The wildflowers always grew far and wide
I’ve got a photo of Mama lying under the sky
With my pa in his boots, right by her side.

They gave up roping when she had her first kid,
My big brother was the whole world to them then.
He had her bright blue eyes and Pa’s dark brown skin,
But he passed away from fever when he was only ten.

The next picture proves that nearly five years had gone,
They had changed so much, but they were still movin’ on.
They tried once more, and out came a girl,
This picture is of me; I had my daddy’s brown curls.

They taught me from the day I could walk
How to feed the chickens, and soon to take on their jobs.
One day I finally asked them to teach me to rope,
My pa readily agreed, but my mama said no.

She taught me to sew, to clean, to cook,
Taught me to read all of her books.
She taught me to smile even when times were hard,
And she loved me when I almost destroyed the yard.

My pa, on the other hand, gave me a gun.
He said if I met a dumb man then run.
He taught me to carve, and he bought me a knife,
He also taught me to rope sheep in the dead of night.

But my ma and pa were getting on in years,
They were spending more time in the house than the field,
Pa complained of arthritis, and Mama couldn’t hold her spoon
But every night they said their prayers under the moon.

I loved my mama and pa, and will until I die.
I want to live like they did, or at least I’ll have to try.
I know they had a good life, I know they cherished me,
I’ll miss them ‘till forever… but I’ll always have memories.
___

Yay or nay?

Fury, Frustration, and Forgiveness...

Ever feel like you just want to tear people's heads off, but they live too many states away to do so? Ever want to use every insult, every shut down, every nasty word in the book, but know that it'll just do no good? Ever feel the fury of frustration because it's so hard to forgive?

I have been reading a very good book lately. It's called "Live Like a Jesus Freak" by dc Talk. Everything was going very well, until I came to the chapter called "Love like a Jesus Freak." In the chapter, there was a small challenge, but it took all of my being to make it through. The challenge was this: Think of three people - just three - that you absolutely can't stand. Three names instantly popped into my mind, and I almost trembled with anger. Then I read the next sentence: Offer a loving prayer for those three people.

Do WHAT?! >.<

Fine. I'll PRAY for those who make me so mad! So I bowed my head, and while trying to contain the temptation to curse them all to... someplace else, I felt a gentle spirit calm me. I was able to quietly whisper the words, "Jesus, please bless them, keep them, and show them Your merciful love while I am so unable. Help me to love them like you do." And when I opened my eyes, I realized... I really meant it. No, I didn't feel a sudden rush of warm, happy, fuzzy feelings for those three people, but I knew that I didn't want to hate them anymore.

One of my biggest faults is my refusal to forgive, coupled with self-pity and pride. I rarely see myself in the wrong after I've been hurt, and I tend to keep that in my heart for a long time, years even. I tend to lash out and try and use all those nasty words and insults. I want my enemies to be in PAIN!!! I WANT them to suffer, and I want to be the one who inflicts all that pain and suffering!

And then I'll go to church, and my pastor will conveniently preach about loving our enemies, to forgive them, and to ask God to help us along the way. The whole ride home I'll be in a little battle with God. "C'mon... Just a little bit of pain... Well, how about curse them now, forgive them later? Toilet paper his house?!" Naturally, the answer is always no. No, no no no no. Forgive now, love now. No exceptions. Uuuuugh. Fine. I've tried. I'm still trying. Even though I feel like I'm getting NO where, I'm still trying.

This post has been hard to write, because I KNOW that all three of those people are able to and read my blog. They are all gonna know what I've just written. I have no clue if they'll be able to figure out that it's them I'm talking about, but that's not really my concern. Part of this blog is just to ventilate. Part of it is to show what is really going through my head to these three people. And part of it is to keep forgiving, 70x7. That's 140 times. I've gotten to like... 8, maybe.... Got a long way to go, but I'm going to get there. And Jesus is gonna be the only thing that keeps me on my feet and on the right road.

Still praying... still forgiving.. and still loving. (Let's just not get into the apology side of Emma.... >.<)

ATTENTION. ALL EYES ON THIS POST RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

This is a big day, for two reasons. The first, and most important is this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESS!!!! I LESS THAN THREE YOU SO MUCH!!! You mean so much to me, girl. I'm sorry this dedication is a little late in the day, but it's the first time I've been able to sit and think. =P I'm so glad I've been able to get to know you, and hang out! We need to do it more often! <3

And the second, which is minor, is that this is my 30th post on my blogger blog. I love it here! Yahoo. xP lol.

So go on over to Antelope's blog (her link is on my sidebar) and wish her a very happy 15th birthday! Dance on, and dance free!

Love, Pain, and Stars

The doors slam shut,
They let go,
I’m all alone.
I’m given back my heart,
Don’t know how I’ll make it now.
They said they’re in love,
But now they’re not
Stabbed my back,
Left me to rot.

How am I supposed to trust
That I’ll make it through this day?
How can I laugh now,
When they tear through what I say?
You’re a liar,
You’re a thief,
You’re a sinner,
Not who you used to be.
Is this really me?
Is this really me?!

But then I look at the stars.
I can see how you moved each one.
Are you really here, when you only feel so far?
You whisper yes.
You hold me tight.
Tell me to hold your hand.
Please take me through the night.
I can’t make it on my own,
I need for you to help me,
I don’t want to feel alone.
You don’t make me feel alone.

Nearly everyone I trust
Has hurt me in some way.
The ones I love the most,
Turned tail, and ran away.
If I’m supposed to give up,
Just like they did today,
Then why keep pressing on?
What’s to live for, anyway?

How can I love again?
How can I trust again?
How can I live again?
When will I hurt again?
Is this really me?
Is this really me?!

But then I look at the stars.
I can see how you moved each one.
Are you really here, when you only feel so far?
You whisper yes.
You hold me tight.
Tell me to hold your hand.
Please take me through the night.
I can’t make it on my own,
I need for you to help me,
I don’t want to feel alone.
You don’t make me feel alone.

I’ve been so busy counting
All the times I’ve known to bleed
When I’ve forgotten all the times
You have stood by me.
The blessings triple the pain,
You’ve given so much for my gain,
I’m so ungrateful, you’ve always seen.
So thank you, Jesus, for saving me.

Now I can look at the stars.
I can see how you moved each one.
Can you really move my life?
Can I see what all you’ve done?
You whisper yes.
You hold me tight.
I've grasped your hand.
You’ve always been there in the night.
I can’t make it on my own,
I need for you to help me,
I don’t want to feel alone.
But now I’ll never be alone.
Cause Jesus, I love you
I love you.
I love you.
And you smile.

Psychological Disaster

... There really is no disaster. I just wanted that title for the dramatic effect. x)

Nothing is new since last post. My job is still going well. There have been times when I thought my brain was going to fry from information overload, but it's all managed to compute. All my co-workers are really nice. The owner of the copy shop is married to the owner of Radio Shack just a couple doors away, so I got an invitation to hang out with the guys over there at any time business was slow at the copy shop, which is soooo cool. Last night I went down to RS after I closed shop, and chilled with the guys for a good 20 minutes before I went home. We all had some good laughs. xD

The friend situation is at a complete standstill. No progress, no decline. I've made a couple of new friendships, though, and renewed some old ones (Fishy... you're still a mess. =D). Which is totally cool. And it's helped. I'm sleeping a lot better at night, and I'm getting more work done in the day. Yesterday, I did two loads of my own laundry! I know. I was just as stunned.

I've been able to practice my music more too. My dad recently bought a banjo, so we've been playing around with that. So now we have a keyboard, a piano, two electric guitars, two acoustic guitars, a banjo, and a drum set. Not to mention my brother's armpit percussion, but that's better off leaving unmentioned. >.< Eventually, I'd enjoy getting a bass guitar, and playing around with that. I met up with some friends of mine that I haven't seen in ages, and they have a whole workshop full of instruments. The guy (who's almost 17 and freaking tall) is a percussion musician, but he and his 16 y.o. sister have all kinds of drums, guitars, basses, saxophones, etc. etc. They invited me over to their house sometime just to jam. =)
Plus, the lady who plays piano for my church invited me to lunch sometime soon. She wants to put together a piece to play during a service sometime, with her on the keys, and me on the strings. I basically panicked. haha. But we'll see. It'll probably be very fun, even if I screw up in the middle of it. I don't think my pastor will condemn me to hell if I miss the second verse of Amazing Grace. x) Er... at least, I hope not...

Feb. 14th is coming up!!! I don't know what I'm going to do, but I hope it's gonna be big. =D Oh, I just figured out EXACTLY what I'm going to do! The girls at dance and I have been talking about having a big Jane Austin Movie Marathon, and as far as I know, they're all single, so maybe they can all come to my house, and we'll watch romantic movies all night long. xD hahahahahah. perrrrrfect. A nice, single girls night, drooling over all the Mr. Darcys. Guys, beware! hahahahahah!

Well, it's after 9, and I must be getting ready for work! Today is Denim Day, so I get to wear my jeans instead of black or khaki pants, or my sister's skirts. x) Yayness! I want to wear my "I <3 NY" shirt, and my paint-splattered jeans, but I think that might be a little overboard... my boss might get a hernia...

Would you like lemon juice with your paper cut?

Wow, plenty has happened since my last 2007 entry! A lot of good, and a lot of bad. =/ Hmm, let's talk about the good first.

Four days after my 16th birthday, I submitted an application for a job, as everyone knows, but everyone doesn't know that I got the job. =D My boss didn't even say "you're hired." She just said "When can you start?" And that was it. So Dec. 26th, I had my first day at the copy shop. :) I learned a lot! I know how to do most of the ordinary copy jobs, like "I need 100 copies of this, this, this, this, and this, double sided, black and white, tri-folded, and all stapled in order I have them in now. I'll be back in 2 hours." Yup, I can do all that. Actually, the machine does it. It's amazing! I push a few buttons, press start, and it does everything! All I really have to do is keep the paper trays stocked, make sure it's doing exactly what I want it to, box up the finished product, create an invoice, and charge out the account. Most of the time I can multi task. Get one job started on one copier, get another started on the other, and print out some copies on the large format copier, help some customers, and finish the first job. It's fairly simple, and fun. Lots of paper cuts, but it's all good.

So I'll be doing that 4 days a week. My schedule will be roughly like this:
Monday: 6.00 am school - 6pm-7.30pm ballet
Tuesday: 6-9.30am school - 10am-3pm work - 5.30-7 ballet
Wednesday: 6-9.30am school - 10am-3pm work - 6-6.45pm ballet
Thursday: 6-9.30am school - 10am-6pm work
Friday: 6-9.30am school - 10am-6pm work
Saturday: 11am-12.30pm ballet, any leftover school Sat. afternoon

I'm soooo excited. :)

Christmas was good; I got a drum set, and a digi camera, plus a bunch of pink kitchen utensils for my kitchen when I move out. And a totally awesome Teddy Tunes bear that plays music from my iPod, and an "I <3 NY" t-shirt. So cool. :) New Years was a little harder... Cause I have really bad memories of New Years day that really cut deep. That was partially because this was the second New Years that I went through alone.
Yeah, some of the stuff that happened last New Years happened again. I kind of... well, lost another best friend. A choice was made, that was assumed to be for my own good, and wasn't taken very well by several different people. And, well, I was sort of left alone. Again. But I am doing much better now. I can only hope and pray for the same for my best friend, especially now that we aren't really talking.
A couple of days before New Years, I hung out with a very good girl friend of mine, and we went out to a theme park and met up with one of her guy friends from her church, and the three of us had a really good time. :) So that helped soften out New Years a bit for me.

Ok, I'm sick of talking about that stuff. I want to be happy. :) I got Guitar Hero II for Christmas, and I finished the game on Medium last night, and bought all the bonus songs. I'm so happy. :) I feel like I've really accomplished something, even though it's so stupid. x) Oh well.

Well, I'm going to run. I've got some things to do, so I'll be heading out. :) thanks for reading my really long post! and I'll try to write again soon. :)

(P.S. this one's for my dawg and homeboi, Chrizzle)

First Post of 2008

This one's for YOU, Fishy!